Continuing the conversation from last week on the warning signs that you have colorist friends, here I share some strategies for dealing with those kind of friends.
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Having colorist friends when you’re dark-skinned is different than having colorist friends if you’re brown-skinned, and very different than if you’re light-skinned. Colorism inflicts greater pain and harm in some friendship dynamics than it does in others, and thus your sense of urgency in dealing with it will vary depending on your context. The tips I provide below are from the perspective of being a dark-skinned person, but they could also apply to others.
Also, full disclaimer, I’m not a relationship expert, and this is not professional advice. So take the strategies with a healthy dose of salt. Still, I’ve been in this Colorism Healing game a long time and have based these on years of experience, study and research, observation, and listening to others.
1. Determine if it’s actually a friendship!
This is an important first step because it can inform the way you choose to proceed or not proceed. Consider if the relationship has truly been mutually supportive and mutually beneficial.
2. End the friendship.
Yes I’m jumping right into the most direct and seemingly “extreme” approach. But why should we consider it “extreme” to leave a situation that’s causing us harm, the actual harm known as colorism?
3. Point out the colorism.
Doing this a few times, or having at least one general conversation can be very informative. Observe how they react or don’t react and gauge their openness to engage, learn, and adjust their behavior if necessary.
4. Share your personal story.
Their response can also give you a lot of insight into how reliable they are as a “friend.” If you told your friend that you lost your job or got dumped by your long-time partner, and they respond: “Well I go through things too. It’s not just you!” You would not consider that very friendly of them. So why accept friends who respond to your personal story of colorism with, “Well I experienced bullying too!”???
5. Inform them about colorism as a systemic issue.
Perhaps your friend is an Aquarius (Lol) and simply resonates better with logic than feeling (neither are inherently better, but some folks work better with one than the other). You can approach the conversation with research and see if this helps them expand their perspective on colorism.
6. Ask a neutral party to mediate.
If the friendship is still viable and valuable, this level of effort may be worth it to help you all work through things. This strategy is useful because oftentimes we can’t hear each other over the sound of our pain. There is also likely to be other dynamics impacting the friendship that are not directly related to colorism that impede productive conversation about colorism.
However, I do caution against using a mutual friend as a “mediator” because one of you runs the risk of losing two friends.
7. Start treating colorist friends the way we treat racist ones.
Many of us find it easier to keep it real with a racist friend or colleague and simply let the chips fall where they may. This is definitely an option, again, depending on your relationship context and dynamic.
8. Know and believe that you deserve to be treated well and that there are enough people out there who will respect and love you.
This is less strategy and more mindset, but this mindset will help you implement the other strategies. When you take on this mindset, you’re less likely to fight for unhealthy or lopsided friendships. You find it easier to move on from situations where colorism is perpetuated.
9. Continue to meet new people and/or build on other existing relationships.
This strategy feeds the mindset of number 8 and also makes it easier to move on from colorist friends who choose to continue perpetuating colorism. Meeting new friends can also help you gain better perspective on your existing friendships. Having a point of comparison can improve your discernment of what feels healthy in friendships and what doesn’t.
Pro tip: Look out for instances where an unhealthy dynamic feels “healthy” simply because it feels familiar and has been normalized.
10. Continue your own personal growth and evolution.
As you raise your standards and raise the bar for your life, those who are meant to be active in your everyday life and those who aren’t will naturally sift themselves out.