Continuing my focus on love for dark skin and love for dark skinned people, I’m elaborating on some of the practices and habits I recommended in a previous post. Healing from colorism doesn’t just happen and it doesn’t just happen over night. Think of colorism healing less as a destination that you get to or a task you complete, and think of it more as change in your everyday habits or a change in your lifestyle.
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Habit 1: Write Specific Affirmations For Yourself.
You don’t actually have to start writing them yourself. You can simply start by collecting affirmations and quotes written by others that resonate with you.
Last week, I shared a few to get you started.
And for a more in depth guide to starting an affirmation practice, I have a Self-Affirmation workbook coming soon!
The key here is that your affirmations should be more specific to you. So rather than: I am beautiful.
Try: I am beautiful without comparison. My beauty is not based on where I am, who I’m with, or who notices it. My beauty is always inherent, even when my hair is not newly done. My beauty is evident, no matter what I’m wearing or how much makeup I have on. I am learning to see just how beautiful every part of me truly is.
That said, the best thing you can do is to simply start. If starting with the simple, 3-word I Am ___ affirmations get’s you into the habit, lean into it! That’s actually how I started, and then my style of affirmations evolved over time.
Habit 2: Do Photo Studies of Yourself.
Susan Sontag wrote: “photography has succeeded in somewhat redefining for everybody definitions of what is beautiful and ugly” and that “photographs alter and enlarge our notions of what is worth looking at.”
You are worth looking at.
You can start by gathering existing photos of yourself. Old photos, baby photos, current photos, doesn’t matter. Start collecting them.
You can begin to just browse and observe. Just look.
Then, keep looking.
Overtime, you might want to arrange the photos in some way–chronologically, by theme, mood, location, etc. Then keep looking.
Overtime, you might want to make a collage, or write descriptions, or affirmations, or letters, or poems to/for each photo.
Another version or aspect of this habit is to get comfortable photographing yourself. A photo study would be photographing yourself for the purpose of curiosity, discovery, and experimentation, not to present a specific image or to look “cute” or whatever. Your goal is to simply explore how you look in various poses, from various angles, in various spaces, in various kinds of lighting, or from one day to the next, etc.
No judgment. Just pure curiosity and discovery.
You can add a journal practice to this to document thoughts, feelings, and memories that come up throughout this process. Months later, look back over your notes and observe any shifts or changes.
Habit 3: Improve Your Media Diet.
The anti-colorism media diet has a simple equation:
Add dark skin affirming content
Subtract colorist content
This, too, will be a gradual process. You’ll start to unfollow, unsubscribe, turn off, stop watching, stop listening to more and more colorist content over time and it will make a difference.
Adding in more dark skin affirming content will also be a gradual process. Unfortunately, that’s largely due to the scarcity of such content. But the growth of the internet has made it a lot easier than when I was growing up as teenager.
You’ll probably find it easier to find this type of content on social media, blogs, etc. than on TV or movies. You can also add books! But wherever you start to find it, soak it in!
Habit 4: Adjust Boundaries in Your Relationships
This habit is a little more complex because it’s the one that directly involves other people. But it is a life-changing habit.
Boundaries don’t always have to be all-or-nothing. Think of boundaries more as a faucet. You can shut it off completely. You can open it for maximum flow. Or you can modulate it somewhere in-between.
The first step is to recognize where boundaries are needed. You can start journaling about experiences with people that make you feel bad, sad, sick, angry, etc. What was it about the experience that triggered this emotion? Do they call you at 2:00am for petty stuff? Do they show up at your home without calling first? Do they say colorist things or behave in colorist ways? Do they invade your personal space in ways you don’t like?
The second step is to communicate the boundary. Do this a firm, confident way. Let them know you’re serious. Depending on the relationship, you may have to be more or less “stern” in your tone or approach. You can choose whether or not you explain why, but you don’t have to.
Step three is to observe how they react or respond to you asserting a boundary. To start with, do they immediately get defensive or dismissive as soon as you talk to them about it? But also, do they actually respect the boundary going forward?
The fourth step is extremely important but it can be extremely hard if you haven’t built up your healthy boundary muscles. You must commit to maintaining and protecting your boundaries without compromise. Self-betrayal happens when we let down our boundaries out of fear, guilt, codependency, etc. And self-betrayal is roadblock to self-love.
Step five is to periodically self-reflect and reassess whether certain boundaries can be adjusted. I warn against adjusting boundaries in the heat of the moment (see step 4). Only adjust a boundary after intentional self reflection with yourself, maybe in consultation with a counselor or therapist, and ample evidence that it’s time to adjust.
Some boundaries need to be permanent. Others can be used like a cast on a broken arm. Firm and solid to protect yourself while you heal and rebuild strength, but not needed for the long haul.
But speaking of therapists, I am not one. This is not professional mental health advice. It’s simply tips based on what’s worked for me personally, what I’ve learned from others, and what has helped my coaching clients.
Affirmation
You deserve to invest in yourself. You deserve to invest in your healing. You are worth the time and effort that healing takes. You are worthy of feeling, having, and getting better over time. And you can do it. Only you have the power to heal yourself. You do have that power. I hope you recognize it.
