The past two weeks, I’ve discussed colorism as explicit prejudice and colorism as implicit bias. This week, I want to talk about the impact of colorism on self esteem for dark skin girls.
“show me someone not full of herself
Nikki Giovanni, “Poem For A Lady Whose Voice I Like”
and i’ll show you a hungry person”
We most often talk about bias and prejudice as it pertains to our feelings about other people. But what happens when we internalize colorism and direct those prejudices and biases against ourselves?
I’ll also touch a bit on self-image, which has a lot to do with how you see yourself and your beliefs about how other people see you.
Some of what I share here will be a review of a previous post on internalized colorism.
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The Impact of Colorism on Ideas of Physical Beauty or Attractiveness
I’ll start here because it’s the most obvious and tends to get the most attention.
Dark-skinned girls who internalize colorism will perceive themselves as unattractive or less attractive than others. That distinction is important. Not every girl who internalizes colorism will see herself as ugly, but she may rate her beauty below others with more eurocentric features.
This self-perception may apply to their overall appearance or it may only apply to certain features that have been the target of ridicule, such as their skin tone specifically, or their hair texture, or their nose.
Another possibility is that they dislike a feature, not because it was explicitly ridiculed but because it was not explicitly praised in comparison to other people’s features that are praised. I think of eye color as a common example of this. It’s less common to criticize people for having dark brown eyes, as opposed to criticizing them for having dark brown skin. However, it is extremely common to compliment other people for having “pretty” eyes when their eyes are a lighter color.
Dark-skinned girls who internalize colorism in this way may express it with statements like: “I’m so ugly,” “I wish I was pretty like that,” “I don’t like my nose,” “I wish I had good hair,” “I wish I was light-skinned,” “I’d be cute if I wasn’t so dark,” or “I’m too dark to wear loud colors.”
But beyond verbally expressing it, they may exhibit certain behaviors, like avoiding the sun, avoiding certain colors, covering up their mirrors, wearing lighter shades of make up, bleaching their skin, wearing colored contacts, etc.
Lastly, I must also note that this can manifest not just in how they treat themselves or speak about themselves. Dark-skinned women dealing with internalized colorism will also criticize other women who look like them or who are darker than them, while also lavishing light-skinned, mixed-race, or non-Black women with compliments.
Colorism Leads to Negative Self-Worth and Limiting Beliefs
Not only might a dark-skinned girl or woman who’s internalized colorism struggle to perceive herself as “pretty,” or “beautiful,” or “attractive,” etc. but she may also struggle to believe she is worthy.
It’s true that not feeling pretty/beautiful often directly contributes to low self-worth, especially in a misogynist culture that values women according to how closely they match unattainable beauty standards. But self-worth goes much deeper than physical appearance.
Not perceiving yourself as pretty, might lead one to believe they’d never be on magazine covers or win a beauty pageant. However, a dark-skinned girl who struggles with overall worthiness will also believe she doesn’t deserve good things in general or that good things are not meant for her or that she is destined to have less in general, that she has to play small or limit herself or that she’s inherently limited by life circumstances.
This is not just relegated to things directly tied to being “pretty.” Overall low self-worth can result in tolerating abuse, not pursuing academic or career opportunities, struggling to make friends, assuming you will always lose and so never really trying, and so much more.
For example, a dark-skinned girl may be really intrigued by the science lesson being presented in class. But when the teacher asks for volunteers to demonstrate an experiment, she may keep herself from raising her hand because of the limiting belief that, I can’t do that. I’m probably just gonna mess it up. I’m not good enough to do that kind of thing. I’m not gonna be chosen anyway so why bother letting people know how much I want it.
And the same pattern can play out when she’s an adult and stops herself from being a go-getter in so many ways for fear of rejection and just general self-doubt.
I Don’t See Myself that Way, But it Hurts that Others Do – What Some Dark-Skinned Women Say
Sooo many dark-skinned women have explained this to me, but it’s something I’ve also felt most of my life.
While it seems this might be a better position to be in than the mindsets I discuss above, it very often has the same effect or outcome.
Dark-skinned women may still want to change their looks or limit their behaviors or refuse to try for what they want because they believe the negative perceptions and opinions of others necessitate that they do so.
In many cases, they have valid receipts for thinking this, such as employment discrimination, harassment from peers, profiling in stores or by cops, for example.
This has played out for me in dating on so many occasions, again not without ample evidence to suggest I might be right. I thought I was attractive enough and an overall damn great catch, but I didn’t believe guys saw me that way, particularly Black guys. The negativity from guys was so loud and direct, while any positive thoughts or feelings other guys may have had was radio silent. So based on the observable evidence I had, why even bother?
Compensating for Colorism – Coping Strategies for Dark-Skinned Girls
When I spoke about internalized colorism last year, I noted that colorism lead me to develop a narrative that I had to be “better” in other ways because I wasn’t going to get any “pretty points.”
I leaned into my intelligence, wittiness, charm, sense of humor, kindness, cleverness, generosity, talents and skills, and overall personality, thinking that would make up for whatever I imagined I was making up for.
And other dark-skinned women have shared similar testimonies while adding that they go out of their way to seem less “angry” or less “abrasive” or more “friendly” or “approachable.” There are also stories about dressing the part, looking the part, driving the car, buying the house, flaunting the spouse, etc.
There’s an added burden of proof that many of us feel. Like Black folks who say they have to be twice as good, dark-skinned women have often felt we had to be 3 times better in a lot of ways.
If you’re looking for a speaker or facilitator for your next colorism event, learn about Dr. Sarah Webb’s colorism keynotes and workshops.
Additional Points About Self-Esteem
No, not every dark-skinned girl has low self-esteem. Yes, there are plenty of light-skinned girls who have low self-esteem.
We all have intersectional identities that influence the degrees to which we may or may not struggles with self-esteem and self-worth. The vast majority of humans could use some healthy self-esteem work at some point in our lives because it’s not an all-or-nothing game. It’s not: “You either have it or you don’t.” It’s a matter of degrees.
Understanding the various reasons for low self-esteem is an important key to repairing and rebuilding self-esteem, as well as protecting self-esteem going forward for ourselves and for future generations. I focus on colorism, but it’s no different than people who focus on sizeism or ableism.
Self-Reflection
How full is your self-esteem meter right now? What has contributed to that? What are the things in your life that support your sense of worth?
Affirmation
I am a magnificent vessel for the abundant flow of spiritual love. I contain a healing spring of self love and self worth that is always available for me to tap into. I love myself first and bring my own full cup to all my other relationships. I fill my cup by cherishing and nurturing and deepening my relationship with myself.