Continuing from last week’s conversation about the impact of colorism on self-esteem for dark-skinned girls and women, I’m spending the next few weeks, all of February, to elaborate on cultivating self love for dark-skinned women and girls. I’m kicking it off with the idea of learning to love your dark skin.
Micro Self-Love vs. Macro Self-Love
I’m starting with one specific feature (micro-self-love) rather than the concept of loving yourself for all that you are in total (macro-self-love).
It’s possible to have both, to have neither, and to have one but not the other. You can love yourself (macro) but struggle to love your hair texture (micro). Vice versa, you can love your hair texture (micro) but struggle to feel worthy overall (macro).
They can both be a gateway to the other. And while there’s no prescribed way to begin, I think learning to love your dark skin is an especially salient place to start in the context of colorism.
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Ego is Not a Healer
I have a feeling I’ll be saying this a few more times. In order to heal, you have to surrender the ego. It has a purpose in human existence, but it’s not your friend in the healing process. Your ego will sabotage your healing every chance it gets because your healing is a direct threat to your ego. They’re like arch rivals.
Unfortunately, your ego has the upper hand because it’s also your comfort zone. It’s the face you’re most familiar with. It has kept you “safe” from so many things. It has given you the shallow validation that our culture values:
- Oh, you’re not weak like her
- Well, at least I’m doing better than that
- I’ve got it all together, so it’s only everyone and everything else that’s the problem
- At least I have…
- I’m too cool and too fly for this
Let. It. Go.
Understand the Obstacles to Loving Your Dark Skin
I’m a firm believer in taking the time to actually understand a problem before we jump in to try and solve it. Even when we have a solid understanding of colorism as a social phenomenon, we still need to examine the particular ways it relates to us and impacts us specifically on the individual level. This includes not just how it has harmed us, but also looking at how we internalize and perpetuate it.
So here’s a place to start on this. Get a journal and start free writing in response to these questions.
- Do you actually see dark skin as ugly, unappealing, or unattractive?
- Or do you perceive it as a chain that limits your potential? Do you perceive it as an obstacle or barrier to getting what you want, whether it’s love, attention, affection, opportunity, dreams, etc.?
- How do you feel about your dark skin vs. dark skin on other people or in general?
- Is it tied to childhood trauma, family or generational trauma and abuse?
- Does it stem from outside messaging like media, peers at school, or others in the community?
But really get a journal, sit, and write. If you’re just reading and skimming these questions, maybe you’re only able to dip your toe in the pool of healing for right now. But when you’re ready to jump in, you’re going to need a journal or something to externalize your thoughts and experiences and get them outta your head and into a medium where you can better observe, track, and respond to them.
Imagine What Loving Your Skin Would Be Like
This is the other side of the coin that a lot of people neglect in their efforts to heal. Processing the past, looking at the pain, and examining the wound is a critical part the healing process. But it can be easy to focus on that part exclusively or to think you have to have that part figured out before you can dare to dream of something better.
Now, I’ll be the first to acknowledge that a lot of times hope hurts. When you’ve constantly been disappointed, it can be so hard to let yourself dream. It can feel viscerally scary to dare to dream.
It feels like: I better not get my hopes up again. And you have the memory of all the times in the past when other people, seemingly the universe itself, has scoffed at your dreams, laughed at your audacity to think that your desires are possible.
That’s part of the heartbreak of colorism. You hear people say that it’s hard to open your heart to love again if you’ve been heartbroken in the past.
Whenever we dare to dream, we are stepping into a very vulnerable place. If our dreams have often been dashed in the past, we can resist opening ourselves up to that vulnerable place ever again. So we take on a very jaded, pessimistic, and disillusioned view of ourselves, our lives, and the world.
So knowing this, here’s a place to start on this aspect of healing. This can be done in your journal as well. To help manage the sense of vulnerability, keep it private. You never have to share any of this process.
- What emotions would you have if you loved your complexion?
- How would you dress or style yourself?
- What kind of relationships would you have?
- What kinds of conversations would you have with people in your life? Would you speak differently?
- Would you move differently?
- Would your career path change? Would your leisure time be different?
Start Practicing Your Self-Love Habits
The journaling processes I shared above will unlock and shift things for you on their own. But most people have to go beyond the self-reflection to really unlearn their internalized colorism.
I call these kinds of activities “self-love habits” so that we understand this is an ongoing process. Just like grooming yourself or brushing your teeth in order to have good oral hygiene, we also need self-love habits to develop and maintain healthy self-esteem. We don’t shower once and expect to stay clean for the rest of our lives. So let’s take the same mindset we have for our physical hygiene and health and apply it to our psychological and spiritual wellbeing.
I’m also not going to get super specific or all-inclusive here because these habits have to be yours. Consider your lifestyle, your context, your interests, and your personality. There are as many different habits and approaches to these habits are there are types of people in the world.
I’m coming back to this, so I just want to give you a sample for now of some things you can start immediately.
3 Activities for Learning to Love Your Dark Skin
- Write specific affirmations about your skin.
- Do a photo study of yourself.
- Reduce your intake of colorist content.
Self-Reflection
Are you ready to start the process of learning to love your dark skin? What’s one action you can take today toward this goal?
Affirmation
I am preparing myself to remove the mask of ego and start my healing journey. It can be scary, but I can be brave.
