I’m returning to the topic of talking to kids about colorism again! I recommend also reading my earlier post: “Teaching Kids About Colorism.”
Like many of you, I grew up in a multicolored family (though not really multiracial).
My sister and I represent this dynamic especially. We have different skin tones, and over the years, we have talked about colorism often informally and formally in interview settings. We present and publish on it too.
We’ve discussed it even more recently as she considers how to raise two brown children in a colorist society.
In fact, it was one of those children, my six-year-old niece, who gave me this week’s topic. I asked her what I should talk about, and she came and whispered in my ear: “Talk about what’s on the inside.”
When it comes to raising children as parents, or teaching them as educators, or supporting them as mentors, we might ask:
How do we not only help children love themselves, but also help them avoid biases and negative attitudes regarding others?
One: Start Early.
I’ve told the story of how I recognized colorism in the preferential attention my sister got over me. I’ve also observed colorism and awareness of colorism in other 4-6 year old children, from nieces, cousins, and others.
I always say that if I could identify and articulate the colorist pattern at 5, that means I most likely experienced, observed, and understood it long before that moment.
Researchers and professionals also note that we recognize physical differences in people as early as infancy and that attitudes about groups of people start to solidify by third grade or age 8.
So start early!
Two: Start by Paying Attention.
For ideas about what you can say, pay attention to what your children, students, etc. say and do. How are they behaving? Are they afraid to play outside in the sunlight? Do they only pick white dolls? What are their preferences?
Don’t ignore these things, not matter how fleeting or innocent they may appear.
Three: Ask Questions.
Take the pressure off yourself. You don’t always have to know what to say. Oftentimes you simple need to know what to ask.
Asking questions isa great way to discover what’s actually going on with a child. We may discover that they already possess the values we hope to cultivate. Or we might discover specific points that we can easily address or research.
With a good line of questioning, children might also do the critical thinking for themselves, and reach insightful conclusions we might not have even thought of.
Here’s a list of questions you can explore to get you started.
Four: Affirm them and Others.
Yes, definitely help your children see how beautiful they are, but also help them see how beautiful other people are too!
This means affirming with words and actions that they are beautiful, that other people who look like them are beautiful, and that other people who don’t look like them are beautiful.
This is important because, children will notice if you tell them they are beautiful, but you never confirm that by appreciating the beauty of others who look like them.
In a similar fashion, if you only affirm the beauty of people who look like them, they will develop colorist perspectives rather than learning that all complexions, hairstyles (and other features) are just as beautiful.
Five: “Talk about what’s on the inside.”
There are two sides to this. The first is to not only affirm children’s physical beauty, but also their other traits. Let them know how funny they are, how inquisitive, or how kind!
But this also means helping them talk about their emotions and feelings, even the difficult ones. We can model for them and coach them in how to express and cope with their feelings in healthy ways. That includes feelings of shame about how they look, or guilt about bullying, among many other things.
Six: Educate them About Melanin!
This worked wonders with my niece and nephew. After one brief lesson on melanin, their attitudes about getting darker in the sunshine completely shifted to something they were proud of.
Explain to children that skin tone is not random or pointless, but that it comes from melanin! And that melanin serves a biological purpose that is protective and positive.
Homework: Observe and ask questions. Use the Kaleidoscope workbook as a tool for starting the conversation.
(Also let me know what else has worked for you when talking to kids about colorism!)
Affirmation: I have the courage to talk about what’s on the inside.