I’m calling this blog post “Mothers and Colorism: Expanded Edition” because this is an update and expansion on the original post written a decade ago. My objective this time around is still to explain some of the more common ways that mothers perpetuate colorism within their families. I also had a more recent discussion on colorist fathers, but there I focused specifically on their impact on daughters. Today I want to speak more broadly to the mother’s influence on children across the gender spectrum.
Transparency: I am not and have not been a mother, so I can’t speak to this from that perspective. What I’ll share here comes from the perspective of being a daughter, knowledge about other mothers/daughters, and of course, research.
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The Context of Patriarchy
Because most of us have been reared in patriarchal societies, this context is extremely relevant. Mothers have historically been and continue to be the most likely primary caregiver for children. This holds true even if when mothers are married to, live with, or have equal joint custody with the children’s father.
For that reason, mothers have a tremendous influence on their children’s lives and on their children’s psyches, beliefs, mentality, habits, etc.
Patriarchy is also the reason mothers get dragged through the mud, criticized and judged no matter what, and blamed even for the things they do not control in their children’s lives, including their children’s skin tones. So I’m being very intentional not to let this conversation devolve into that.
Especially since all mothers were also reared in a home and in a society that first taught them all of these things. So all adults have to be responsible for their own healing and reprogramming. There is very much a need for accountability, possibly boundaries, even as we have compassion or understanding.
The Child’s Gender
Speaking of patriarchy, you may or may not know that colorism, like most societal issues, has disproportionate consequences for girls and women. That fact alone will influence the amount of and the kind of influence mother’s have on their kids based on sex and gender–sons (trans/cis), daughters (trans/cis), non-binary children, etc.
Tradition would suggest that it’s helpful for girls in particular to have a good role model in their mothers and to be able to see themselves in their mothers. Mothers are often a girl’s first example of how to be, how to care for themselves, treat themselves, how to navigate life in a female body, etc.
For boys, however, mothers are also often their first example of how to be in relationship to and with women. Sons will pick up on even subtle or unconscious cues about
The Mother’s and Child’s Skin Tones
Mothers of any skin tone and any race can perpetuate colorism among children of any skin tone and any race. The relative complexions of the mom and child–same, similar, or different–often has an impact as well.
In keeping with the importance of mothers as role models for girls in particular, having a mother who looks like you, similar complexion, hair, features, body type, etc. is reportedly helpful for many girls, but only when the mother is sending signals of love and self love.
On the flip side, many dark skinned girls who have light skinned mothers report not feeling fully understood or seen by their mothers. Even when the mother is loving or affirming, they often say, “She doesn’t fully understand.”
And many of us have heard light skinned and/or mixed race people reflect on how having a dark skinned mothers compels them to take colorism seriously. Again, this is predicated on the messaging, intentional or unintentional, they received from their mothers.
Common Ways Mothers Perpetuate Colorism
In no particular order, here’s a sort of brainstorm list of common ways mothers might perpetuate colorism either intentionally or unintentionally. And when I say “perpetuate colorism,” I mean they’re sending the message that lighter skin, straighter hair, and thinner features are better.
- How they carry themselves and the choices they make about their own appearance or lifestyle- Has the dark-skinned mother truly accepted her own skin tone? Is she confident in how she goes about living her life? Is she ashamed of her natural hair? Does she have other dark-skinned friends? If the mother is light skinned, is she friends with dark-skinned women? Does she move with an air of superiority? Has she embraced her natural hair texture?
- Ignoring colorism- Whether mothers are intentionally denying colorism exists to suppress conversations about it, or whether they genuinely don’t understand how it works, this is a very common way that mothers are complicit in colorism.
- Practicing favoritism among their own children- There are so many ways this shows up, that I can’t possibly provide an exhaustive list, but here’s a start: Being nicer to one child more than others. Being less affectionate to one child. Punishing one child more than others. Allowing one child to get away with things that the others get into trouble for. Blaming darker-skinned children for all sibling spats or blaming them for anything that goes wrong. Bragging about one child while ignoring the other. Promoting and supporting the lighter skinned child’s education, extracurricular activities, etc.
- Treating their own child differently in relation to other people’s kids- Some mothers will dote on other people’s light-skinned kids more than they dote on their own kids who are darker. And many mother’s with light skinned kids will explicitly or implicitly communicate that their children are supposedly superior to other people’s kids who are darker.
- Direct messaging about the value of certain features- Many mothers explicitly communicate to their children their preference for certain complexions, facial features, and hair textures/styles and their disdain for others.
- Sometimes the “messaging” escalates to abusive behavior- At times mothers are so unhealed themselves that they take more extreme actions like harsh scrubbing of the child’s skin, cruel discipline, neglecting a child, verbal assaults, and other forms of abuse. Two novels that illustrate this are God Help the Child by Toni Morrison, and The Darkest Child by Delores Phillips.
Projecting onto Light Skinned Children
I’ll get in trouble for even mentioning this, but it does happen that mothers of various skin tones who have their own unhealed trauma might direct their anger toward light-skinned children. And please don’t think this is merely a dark-skinned mother vs. light-skinned daughter issue. The Autobiography of Malcom X mentions that his very light skinned mother, for example, how is very light skinned mother expressed disdain for her light skinned children because they triggered her own self-hatred for being light and mixed race.
As I’ve always said, though, I describe this kind of dynamic as a consequence of colorism rather than colorism itself, much like Black kids beating up a white kid for hanging nooses in a tree is not reverse racism, but a violent reaction to racism.
Again (and again), if you don’t want the backlash to a system, fight like hell to end that system. Pretending like society operates exactly the same for all skin tones actually exacerbates the problem you complain about.
And I only mention it because I already know someone will bring it up. So this is my preemptive response.
Is it possible to overcorrect?
One last thing I’ll share regarding how mothers engage their children is that when mothers are aware of colorism, they might bolster their attention or support of darker skinned children, daughters in particular. From the perspective of a lighter skinned sibling, this usually looks like favoritism, especially since kids aren’t likely to have the systemic and historical perspective of what’s really going on.
In this case, I stress the need to speak openly and directly with children at all ages and developmental stages about colorism. Be transparent when you can. Be mindful of the personal needs of all your children, but teach them about privilege. Teach them about intersectionality. And be willing to ask them questions as well, and listen to them.
We need people of every race and skin tone to be emotionally and psychologically healthy. So you don’t have to neglect the lighter skinned children, but do help them understand privilege as a concept and help them understand the unique ways they are privileged.
All Adults are Responsible for Their Own Healing & Growth
I made a viral TikTok about a biracial YouTuber who made anti-black comments in a video. Soooo many people literally said: “I blame the mother.” To land the blame squarely on Black mothers is problematic. In this instance, it was also anti-black to give the light-skinned, biracial adult with a massive public platform a free pass for not being more mindful and responsible with her words and to instead only place responsibility on her Black mother.
The YouTuber is an adult. All adults are responsible for themselves, no matter what. Yes, we can understand their context, but their parenting doesn’t absolve them of what they do and say as adults. Imagine if all criminal defense attorneys got acquittals because their clients had bad parents… And instead of the offender being charged with a crime, the legal system charged parents for the actions of their fully grown, fully adult children…
Adults have to take responsibility for their own healing and growth. Adults who fail to do so end up becoming parents who perpetuate the cycle of colorism.