I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn’t see how every sign pointed straight to youThat every long lost dream led me to where you are
Rascal Flatts, “God Bless the Broken Road”
Others who broke my heart, they were like Northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
I’m continuing the conversation I started last week (but that’s really been a lifetime coming). I talked about being a single dark-skinned Black girl, reflecting mainly on my childhood and young adulthood context. Today I want to reflect more on my adult life, being a single dark skinned Black woman. Where we at now??
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Disclaimer: THIS ain’t THAT
I feel the need to give a disclaimer upfront, especially if you watched last week’s conversation. This is not one of those: I thought I’d never get married, but surprise! I found the man of my dreams and now we’re happily married with kids!! And you, too, can have the same fairytale ending!!! Just keep the faith! If it happened for me, it can happen for you too!!
I can’t offer that kind of story.
But I do have a love story to tell.
It’s Not Just About Marriage
I mentioned last week how I always assumed “it” would happen. When I was growing up I assumed “it” would happen as effortlessly as puberty. That if I just kept living long enough, I would suddenly one day be in a relationship. I want to clarify what I meant by “it” because I think a lot of people probably assumed I was talking about marriage. I wasn’t. I was talking about dating, a romantic relationship, boyfriend/girlfriend, etc. Not even marriage.
While my peers all around me were dating and getting boyfriends and girlfriends as early as middle school, I didn’t go on my first date until I was about 21. And it wasn’t great, so there was no second.
While many of my peers were in committed relationships or even getting married in their twenties, I did not identify anyone as my “boyfriend” until I was 33. We were long distance the entire time, so I still felt and lived very solo. I ended it after about 45 days.
I claimed a second “boyfriend” at age 34. Also blah. I ended it after 4 months.
So in my almost 37 years of living, I’ve been in a relationship for a total of 5-6 months.
So when I say I know this single life, I mean I really really know this single life.
And when people have tried to encourage me (more on that later) by saying I’ll find a husband some day, I’ve often thought or replied: Kinda hard to get a husband when you’re not even dating.
But It’s Still a True Love Story
Go ahead and click off now if you’re not looking for a self-love story, cus that’s very much what this is.
When I was in the deepest stages of depression (just generally, not about relationships really) the first thought or voice I heard immediately when I woke up in the morning was: “I can’t do this.”
After years of inner work, therapy, and affirmations, I woke up one morning and the very first thought I heard was:
“I love you.”
That day catalyzed in me a new level of understanding that I could be in love without being in love with someone (else). It sparked the idea that I could simply be in love with myself, I could be in love with my life and with life in general. I started to understand that the “in love” feeling was merely an emotional state, just like any other emotional state, and wasn’t actually necessitated by external circumstances.
I am in love.
I am deeply, profoundly in love.
Just not the way society assumes I should be.
I’ve actually never been in love in that way.
But that day was only the beginning. The negative relationship experiences I later had in my mid-thirties clarified my vision of love even more deeply. That 2-year period was like the capstone course in self love. Or the Olympic trials of self love. Like: Are you really ready?? Sure, you’ve done a lot of work and learned a lot and evolved and grown and cultivated self love, but are you really ready to put that into action? To put it into practice when it really counts??
Those lessons have had ripple effects throughout every facet of my life, far beyond romantic prospects. It made me realize I was worthy of the career and the life I want. It made me realize I didn’t have to settle in any area of my life. And that I’d rather be out on my own than tied to a relationship, job, location, or lifestyle that I was not in love with. I’d rather fly solo than have my wings clipped for the sake of fitting in.
Living the Life of My Dreams
I would measure every potential relationship based on how it compares to my solitude.
There’s really no competition.
It helps that I’m introverted, but there’s no one’s company I enjoy more than my own.
I love people, but I’m not waiting on anyone to start living. I’m not waiting on anyone to join my in my adventure of a life. I’ve always been that girl going places and doing things solo because I wasn’t going to keep myself from things I enjoyed and desired to do simply because others weren’t interested in joining me. And we are seeing more and more dark-skinned Black women really embracing this.
As of January 2022, I’m doing more of that at an even larger scale, and I’ve never been happier.
When I think of dating and relationships now, the thought is bland and boring to me. Am I jaded? Probably. Have a spoiled myself for all other relationships? Probably. And I’m only halfway joking.
“I couldn’t see how every sign pointed straight to you.”
I believe our cultural conditioning to always be seeking and searching outside and away from ourselves is part of the conspiracy to control and dominate us.
I mentioned last week that as I better understand astrology, I do believe it’s some people’s destiny in this life to be wives or husbands or to pursue the romantic relationship path. I do think it’s insidious that our cultures make us think that has to be everyone’s path, but for plenty of people that is their story.
This is mine:
Every inner and outer experience I’ve ever had was God bringing me back home to myself. It’s always been me. I’m the one I was searching for. I think I’ve finally found her.
I don’t know if my ultimate destiny is staying single or not, staying unattached or partnering in some way in the future. However, I feel confident that it’s not my destiny to pursue a partnership.