Tag: children

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Are You Doing Enough to Help Your Child Deal with Colorism?

black girl with plaits via blue skyz media on flickr; help your children deal with colorism

“I always tell my daughter she’s beautiful,” said one father in response to our discussion about colorism. He, like many parents, believed that she was too young for any discussion beyond that. Like many parents, he thought that this vague show of affection was enough to ward off the world’s animosity toward dark skin and Afrocentric features. Yet despite his regular proclamations of his daughter’s beauty, she herself actually saw very little beauty or worth in dark skin. I could see it, but he was clearly in denial. If you really want to help your child deal with colorism, it’s time to stop relying on the easy excuses.

Why merely telling her she’s beautiful isn’t enough

The typical human mind processes negative feedback more deeply than positive feedback. It’s said that for every instance of negative feedback, it takes 5 to 6 instances of positive feedback to balance the negative. I first heard this in an intro to psych class in undergrad, and I’ve never forgotten it.

There’s a lot of negative messages about dark skin and Afrocentric features floating around our communities, institutions, media, family, and other places that our children frequent. Research shows that even if we told our children that they are beautiful every day of their lives, it probably won’t be enough to balance out all of the negativity that says otherwise.

Then there’s also the idea that a parent’s love is blind, that parents believe their children are beautiful because they’re theirs. For some children, the fact that you’re their parent may limit the effectiveness of you telling them they’re beautiful.

Finally, telling your child that she is beautiful doesn’t necessarily communicate to her that you think dark skin and Afrocentric features are beautiful in general. Remember that eradicating colorism is about more than individual self-esteem—it’s also about being able to see beauty in all its shades and forms. So even if telling your daughter that she’s beautiful causes her to really believe that she is, that doesn’t automatically mean that she’ll be able to appreaciate dark-skinned beauty in others. I’ve met a lot of dark-skinned girls over the years who see themselves as beautiful, yet believe that they are an exception and that light-skin is generally more beautiful.

Why you can’t wait for her to be the “right” age

Studies show that children can recognize differences in skin color, hair, and other features as early as six months old, and that by age four, many children have already begun assigning positive and negative traits to those differences.

My own mother often tells the story about how I was able to verbalize my awareness of colorism at the age of five. At age six I had already been called a “black n****r,” and was told by a playmate: “I like your sister better than you because she’s white and you’re black.” At age nine, a girl in my dance class said, “Eeww! You’re so black!” And those were only the blatantly stated messages of hatred for dark skin. Consistently throughout the years there were countless other messages about skin color, hair, and other features.

Many parents make the mistake of waiting until their child is old enough to have intellectual conversations, possibly even as late as adulthood. But the evidence points to the need for parents to intervene as early as possible before attitudes solidify and are thus harder to change.

As far as not saying or doing anything, just remember that ignoring an issue is the same as condoning it. Imagine what message you’re sending to your child when they can clearly see discrimination, but for some reason they’re parents act like everything is normal.

What it really takes to help your child deal with colorism

Courage. It takes a tremendous amount of courage to talk to our children about any tough issue, whether it’s drugs, sex, death, or racism. But the tougher the issue, the more they need our guidance as parents. Better they learn from us than from the media, or peers, or other sketchy sources.

It also takes honest and direct conversation. We must be honest about the fact that colorism and racism do exist and that they cause a lot of pain. We must not skirt around the issue or make our children think it’s such a taboo topic that they can’t talk to us about it. In order to let our children know that they can come to us, we must first go to them.

Finally, it requires proactive effort.

We must be careful with our comments about the attractiveness of others, including ourselves. If you always tell your dark-skinned daughter she’s beautiful, yet she never witnesses you acknowledge the beauty of other dark-skinned girls and women, what message are you really sending?

We must be mindful of how we treat others. Even without words, children can recognize preferential or unfair treatment, and they will recognize whether there’s a pattern based on skin color or hair texture.

We must also be mindful of who and what our children are exposed to. Limit their interaction with people you know are color-struck. Expose them to a wide diversity of skin tones, races, features, languages, etc. Limit their viewing of general media, and increase their viewing of racially diverse media, especially media that affirms the beauty of darker people.

In the end, you’re not doing any more or less than you would normally be doing as a good parent. For example, you’re probably already buying books for your daughter. Now just consider the kind of books you buy.

What do you do to help your child deal with colorism?

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Age Appropriate Discussions on Colorism

I stumbled upon a useful article on Parents.com titled, “Talking About Race, Age-by-Age.” Although it’s not specifically about colorism, I think it’s extremely relevant since we have to talk to children about colorism in the context of race in general. Discussions on colorism and many other topics are often difficult for parents, especially the part about gauging how much children know or should know at certain ages.

The author of the article, Kara Corridan, uses the research of Dr. Rebecca Bigler, who breaks down the developmental stages of racial perception and understanding into four different age groups.

6 months – 1 year: Children can recognize differences in skin color and hair texture. At this age it’s important for parents to expose their children to diverse races and complexions.

2 – 3 years: Children become more vocal and may start commenting on skin color. Respond directly and calmly, gently correcting or affirming. It’s also fine to bring up differences in skin color, particularly during activities where differentiation is already occurring (i.e. “This woman is wearing blue. This woman is wearing red. This woman has brown skin.”)

4 – 6 years: At this age children start to assign positive or negative traits to people based on their cultural group. This can occur intraracially (within racial groups) as well. Children may make comments like, “Eww! Her skin is dirty.” The best thing to do in these cases is to again respond directly and calmly, correcting the error and affirming the worth of all skin tones.

7 – 8 years: Children in this age range become more open to the idea that we’re all different yet alike at the same time. Stress this fact whenever possible.

The advice stops at eight years old because many studies show that by this age attitudes and perceptions about race tend to stabilize, not solidify necessarily, but stabilize, which adds urgency to the idea of having discussions on colorism and race sooner than later. It’s never too early to start making an impact on this aspect of your child’s life, but it’s never too late either. Have the courage to get the conversation going.

To read the original article by Corridan, click here.

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When Should Parents Discuss Colorism With Their Children?

Because of the nature of this site, I’m making the assumption that the audience is already convinced that they should talk about colorism, so I’m merely exploring the question: When Should Parents Discuss Colorism With Their Children?

I have no conscious memory of this, but my mother often tells the story of when she first heard me vocalize my awareness of colorism.

I was five. Some women were complimenting my sister about how beautiful she was, and I whispered under my breath that they were only saying that about my sister because she was light skinned.

I tell this story as part of this piece because most people assume that a five year old is too young to understand that people are treated differently because of race and skin color. But research says that children can recognize racial differences as early as six months old and can vocalize and express racial awareness and even bias as early as three years old. I have no doubt that if I was able to verbalize that comment at the age of five, then I must have been aware of colorism before then. That just happened to be the first observable moment of my awareness.

Too many parents underestimate their children’s ability to understand the politics of skin color, but small children are perhaps, as a matter of necessity and survival, the keenest observers of their social environments. We talk about how toddlers are sponges and pick up on the most subtle clues from their environment. If you’ve ever seen your child mimicking adult behavior and it surprised you, then you know how true this is.

And it’s not just you they’re learning from. They learn from other adults, siblings, playmates, relatives, teachers, media, etc. With that in mind, it’s easy to see how they could be picking up on patterns and making inferences about skin color as part of their developmental process.

There are a lot of research based resources about how and when children learn about race that I want to apply to colorism.

A short piece in The University Record published by the University of Michigan says:

“Children are not color-blind. Nor is their understanding of racial identity superficial. Children as young as age three have a complex understanding of the way in which society constructs racial categories, and that understanding goes well beyond surface appearances.

Simply telling kids that race doesn’t matter isn’t going to be very effective, since they obviously think it does in a couple of non-trivial respects.

To combat racism, we need to understand its basis. It’s not just a problem afflicting a few bigots. It’s a way of thinking about the kinds of people there are in the world that goes far beyond surface appearances and gives rise to invidious comparisons. And it’s a way of thinking that preschoolers have already begun to develop.”

Another relevant piece, “Children are Not Colorblind: How Children Learn Race,” written by Erin N. Winkler adds to the conversation:

“Children pick up on the ways in which whiteness is normalized and privileged in U.S. society. What does this mean? Consciously or unconsciously, middle-class white culture is presented as a norm or a standard in the United States in terms of appearance, beauty, language, cultural practices, food, and so on. Tatum (1997) argues that this message is so prevalent in our society it is like ‘smog in the air. Sometimes it is so thick it is visible, other times it is less apparent, but always, day in and day out, we are breathing it in’. For very young children, this ‘smog’ comes in the form of picture books, children’s movies, television, and children’s songs, which all include subtle messages that whiteness is preferable.

The lesson for caregivers of young children is: Do not shush children or shut down the conversation. Instead, engage in open, honest, frequent, and age-appropriate conversation about race, racial differences, and even racial inequity and racism. Research has shown that such conversations are associated with lower levels of bias in young children (Katz, 2003). Let go of the notion that you are “putting ideas in their heads” by talking about race; as we have seen, research shows that young children notice race and draw conclusions about difference on their own.”

While these reports are about race in general and not specifically about colorism, I think the concept is easily transferrable. I’m a real-life example of a once young girl who probably could’ve benefited from a few discussions of colorism at the age of five, four, or even three. It’s clear here that I’m advocating for talking about colorism sooner rather than later, but in the end, it’s up to parents to decide.

 

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3 Tips for Teaching Kids About Colorism

“Look both ways before you cross the street.”

“Don’t touch the stove.”

“Choose your friends wisely.”

“Always wear your seatbelt.”

“Don’t talk to strangers.”

Sound familiar? That’s because parents and adults are known for teaching children how to survive in a potentially dangerous world. Parents know that if they don’t teach their children to look both ways before crossing the street, their children might very well die in the process of learning that lesson on their own. (An answer to the “I have to learn from my own mistakes” mentality.) Most parents know that if they don’t teach their child about sex, lots of other people will be all too happy to teach them.

Aside from basic survival skills, good parents know they also have to teach their children social skills and moral behavior. “No, Tiffany, it’s not okay to scratch your brother because you wanted to play with his toys.” We teach kids to play nice, to share, to clean up after themselves, to tell the truth, and to help old ladies across the street. I would include giving up your seat to the elderly, but parents  obviously don’t teach that anymore.

Parents know that each child has a particular nature. Most parents know that it’s their responsibility to nurture.

My question: So why do parents neglect to teach their children how to value all skin colors (ethnicities, languages, etc.)?

Just as we have to nurture a spirit of giving and sharing in most kids, just as we have to nurture a spirit of hard work and responsibility in most kids, we also have to nurture a spirit of acceptance and appreciation, even love.

Below, I present 3 ideas on what might assist in nurturing such a spirit in our families, especially young children.

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How can we foster in our children, a spirit of acceptance, appreciation, and even love for all shades of human skin?

1) Sort out your own attitude/feelings about colorism. 

This way you can lead and teach by example.

Ta-Nehisi Coates posted about “Dark Girls” on The Atlantic in June of this year. As a kid Coates expressed preference for “light-skin girls,” and in the post he recalls his emotions after being scolded by his mother when he was twelve:

“I remember being really pissed off at my mother at first (“It’s my choice!”) Then a few weeks later, as I turned it over in my head, a bit embarrassed (“I wish I hadn’t said that”) then deeply ashamed (“I wish I didn’t think that”) and finally incredibly curious (“Why do I think that anyway?”)”

Know what you think, feel, and believe about skin color. Dig deep, because we all have that “I’m not a racist” ego we must deal with. Consciously, you might tell yourself “I’m colorblind,” but notice when you’re compelled to comment on how pretty a child is (or their hair or eyes). How does the child usually look?* Notice what you see every time you close your eyes and imagine your ideal mate, or your ideal children.

Before we can heal the world, we must begin to heal as individuals. You don’t have to be perfect to help others, but at least try to be aware of your imperfections and blind spots. I’m not saying everyone’s a closet racist, but if you resist self-reflection, maybe there’s something you’re afraid to face.

If you find that you had/have skin color bias, you can use yourself as a starting point in discussing skin color with your kids or other young people.

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2) Talk candidly about colorism with your children. 

They don’t need a lecture. It could be as simple as letting them hear you work through your own color biases. Like Coates, you may point out examples of when you expressed bias in the past and how you’ve changed/are changing. It could be as simple as looking at family photos with your kids and saying, “It’s wonderful that there are so many shades of skin in our family.”

Example: While watching a movie with his family, James notices some colorism at play.** Though the movie is supposedly “targeted” to African Americans, all the major female roles are played by actresses who have very fair skin. Some have light colored eyes and long wavy hair. A few dark skinned women make appearances in roles that are clearly less flattering. James is slightly uncomfortable but lets it go thinking that his kids are too young to be aware of such nuanced casting issues. Then James notices that his kids burst out in uncontrollable laughter at the ridiculously comic performance of a dark-skinned character. He cringes, but thinks, it was funny, and the director intended for people to laugh. Surely they would have laughed no matter what color the character was. The movie ends with the leading lady riding off into her happily ever after, validated as the fairest of them all (and she’s quite smart and witty too, and skinny).

Everyone seems to have enjoyed the movie, but James wonders how it influenced his kids’ thinking. He finally decides to say, “That was a fun movie. I wonder what would’ve happened if [funny character’s name] had switched places with [main character’s name].’”

James’ kids look at him funny and reply in utter disbelief:

“No way, dad. [funny character’s name] is too stupid and ugly.”

“Yeah [main character’s name] is so smart and like really, really pretty. OMG she’s so awesome.”

Even though “it’s just a movie” James sees that his kids don’t have the critical thinking skills to see it as “just a movie.” He takes this opportunity to help them develop some critical thinking skills, hoping they won’t internalize the latent message that light skin is good and dark skin is bad.

He says, “You know when actors and actresses play in movies, they can play any part. Right now I could pretend to be a stern judge,” and he makes a stern face and pretends to bang a gavel. “Or I can pretend to be a silly clown,” and he does a wobbly dance with a crazy face.

The kids laugh and join in the fun. One of them says, “I can pretend to be Spiderman!” and shoots pretend cobwebs from his upturned wrists.

James is excited that they’re getting it. Now he must relate this to skin color. “So just because someone plays an ugly or stupid character in a movie doesn’t mean they are stupid or ugly. [Funny character’s name] could play the role of the most beautiful princess, or the most successful doctor, or the smartest politician.”

James’ kids still look skeptical, so he keeps it real with them. “When I was your age I thought only light-skinned girls with long hair could be pretty and smart in movies and in real life. But I learned that wasn’t true. Now I see that all skin colors are beautiful. No matter what I see in movies or on TV I know they’re just acting, and [funny character’s name] is just as beautiful and smart in real life as anyone else, including [main character’s name].”

James’ kids take this in. They process it. He lets it go for now, but the seeds of critical thought, acceptance, and appreciation have been planted. He can continue to nurture them as they grow.

3) Give them positive exposure to all skin tones.

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One inspiring mother wrote an article on New Latina titled, “I’m White, My Daughter is Latina, and I Buy Black Dolls” by Chantilly Patiño. She eloquently sates:

“Maybe it’s not a big deal to some, but for a woman who’s raising a daughter of color, it’s important to me!

I’m aware my daughter is Latina…yeah, she’s not black, but I don’t want her to grow up like I did. Not seeing positive images of people of color…including (but not limited to) people who look like her.  If I look back to my childhood, the only positive image I can recall is the Cosby show…and that’s a shame.  I still love that show, but even today…programing like that is hard to come by.

I buy black dolls for my daughter because I want her to understand the value of everyone, regardless of color. I buy black dolls because I know that the media is filled with negative images and it presents a challenge for our kids to grow up feeling good about dark skin.  I buy black dolls because I want to change the norm.”

WOW!!! Go Sister.

Because colorism and racism are so prevalent, we don’t have to try hard at all to find positive exposure to lighter skin tones. So, survey the experiences your child typically has and see if they include enough positive exposure to darker skin tones. If not, I have suggestions for how to create positive exposure to darker skin tones. This is the practical, get it done today, type of thing. You probably know what I’m about to say. I suggest that you share the following things with your kids, depending on their ages, to nurture their acceptance of all skin tones, especially darker skin, since that exposure is more likely to be lacking or negative:

  • picture books with positive images of characters with dark skin
  • chapter books with well developed, dark-skinned characters
  • magazines with images of and articles by people with darker skin
  • festivals that expose them to the heritages of dark-skinned people
  • museum visits that teach them about the history of dark-skinned people
  • outings to locations known to draw diverse groups of people
  • quality time with family and friends of many skin tones, including darker ones
  • dolls with darker shades of skin
  • television shows featuring dark-skinned people in lead roles, or positive and substantial supporting roles
  • movies featuring dark-skinned people in lead roles, or positive and substantial supporting roles

I’m  sure there’s more, but this is what I’ve come up with for now. Feel free to add suggestions in a comment.

NOTES:

*I think colorism is most acute in people’s reactions to babies and young children. Adults are more likely to comment on the relative prettiness or cuteness of children. When colorism is present, dark-skinned children usually aren’t lauded for their beauty, but as they get older, they may be recognized for having grown up to be beautiful women or handsome men.

**Two excellent examples of biased casting of the nature described in James’ story are the movies Coming to America and Guess Who. I remember watching these films, Coming to America as a young child and later Guess Who as a young adult, and feeling physically sick about the blatant colorism in their casting of female characters.

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Mothers and Colorism

I’ll start with mother.

Before children recognize themselves in mirrors, they recognize themselves through their mother’s eyes.

My heart breaks when I hear stories of mothers consciously or unconsciously conditioning their children to adopt the attitudes of colorism, to adore light skin and despise darker skin, adore light eyes and think little of dark eyes, adore straight hair and hate kinky hair.

Previews of Dark Girls the movie, the responses to it, and life observations reveal that too many mothers are complicit in their children’s pain. The relationship between mothers and colorism is clear. Several women describe their most potent experiences with colorism as experiences when their mothers failed to validate their beauty. As adults, hopefully we learn to validate ourselves. Young children, however, must be shown how.

My mother is light skinned. She won’t admit this, always claiming that she never saw herself as such and always identified with darker skinned people. She does acknowledge, though, that she is lighter than my brother and me.

My mother tells me how she has always loved going out in public with us and telling people “these are my kids.” We talk about how people rarely assume this fact due to the skin color difference, and she always makes a point to directly state it.

My mother is different from the women who are only proud to show off their children if their children are fair skinned or have a certain hair texture.

My mother intentionally combated the outside influences and negative messages about dark skin. She was not only aware of colorism, she had the courage to attack it head on. Just knowing that she in some way understood the struggle of a dark skinned child helped me endure the struggle. Knowing that no matter what happened with everyone else I could always go home and feel accepted and loved, probably saved me from the extremes of pain that other girls have gone through.

So don’t trip if your dark skinned friend, cousin, sister, or coworker agonizes over skin color and the biases people hold toward certain skin tones. Don’t be perplexed about why she doesn’t “just get over it, and just love herself.”

Instead, ask her about her relationship with her mother. Ask her how many times she heard her mother tell light skinned cousins how pretty they were, without acknowledging the very daughter that waited in her shadow. Ask her how many times her mother told her to stay out of the sun. Ask her how many times her mother discouraged her from wearing bright colors. Don’t judge her, she’s had enough of that. Just hear her story.

If you are a mother, do an honest self-evaluation. Do you make comments around your children that might instill colorism in them? How often do you tell your children they are beautiful? How often do you compliment their dark skin tones? Do you act like colorism doesn’t exist? Do you try to explain away instances of colorism instead of acknowledging them? Have you dealt with your own color complex so that your children can have healthy self-esteem and appreciation for others regardless of skin color?

When it comes to colorism healing, parents make a huge difference in the lives of young people. By choosing different parenting choices, we can erode the generational cycle of colorism in our communities.