I stumbled upon a useful article on Parents.com titled, “Talking About Race, Age-by-Age.” Although it’s not specifically about colorism, I think it’s extremely relevant since we have to talk to children about colorism in the context of race in general. Discussions on colorism and many other topics are often difficult for parents, especially the part about gauging how much children know or should know at certain ages.
The author of the article, Kara Corridan, uses the research of Dr. Rebecca Bigler, who breaks down the developmental stages of racial perception and understanding into four different age groups.
6 months – 1 year: Children can recognize differences in skin color and hair texture. At this age it’s important for parents to expose their children to diverse races and complexions.
2 – 3 years: Children become more vocal and may start commenting on skin color. Respond directly and calmly, gently correcting or affirming. It’s also fine to bring up differences in skin color, particularly during activities where differentiation is already occurring (i.e. “This woman is wearing blue. This woman is wearing red. This woman has brown skin.”)
4 – 6 years: At this age children start to assign positive or negative traits to people based on their cultural group. This can occur intraracially (within racial groups) as well. Children may make comments like, “Eww! Her skin is dirty.” The best thing to do in these cases is to again respond directly and calmly, correcting the error and affirming the worth of all skin tones.
7 – 8 years: Children in this age range become more open to the idea that we’re all different yet alike at the same time. Stress this fact whenever possible.
The advice stops at eight years old because many studies show that by this age attitudes and perceptions about race tend to stabilize, not solidify necessarily, but stabilize, which adds urgency to the idea of having discussions on colorism and race sooner than later. It’s never too early to start making an impact on this aspect of your child’s life, but it’s never too late either. Have the courage to get the conversation going.
To read the original article by Corridan, click here.
Because of the nature of this site, I’m making the assumption that the audience is already convinced that they should talk about colorism, so I’m merely exploring the question: When Should Parents Discuss Colorism With Their Children?
I have no conscious memory of this, but my mother often tells the story of when she first heard me vocalize my awareness of colorism.
I was five. Some women were complimenting my sister about how beautiful she was, and I whispered under my breath that they were only saying that about my sister because she was light skinned.
I tell this story as part of this piece because most people assume that a five year old is too young to understand that people are treated differently because of race and skin color. But research says that children can recognize racial differences as early as six months old and can vocalize and express racial awareness and even bias as early as three years old. I have no doubt that if I was able to verbalize that comment at the age of five, then I must have been aware of colorism before then. That just happened to be the first observable moment of my awareness.
Too many parents underestimate their children’s ability to understand the politics of skin color, but small children are perhaps, as a matter of necessity and survival, the keenest observers of their social environments. We talk about how toddlers are sponges and pick up on the most subtle clues from their environment. If you’ve ever seen your child mimicking adult behavior and it surprised you, then you know how true this is.
And it’s not just you they’re learning from. They learn from other adults, siblings, playmates, relatives, teachers, media, etc. With that in mind, it’s easy to see how they could be picking up on patterns and making inferences about skin color as part of their developmental process.
There are a lot of research based resources about how and when children learn about race that I want to apply to colorism.
“Children are not color-blind. Nor is their understanding of racial identity superficial. Children as young as age three have a complex understanding of the way in which society constructs racial categories, and that understanding goes well beyond surface appearances.
Simply telling kids that race doesn’t matter isn’t going to be very effective, since they obviously think it does in a couple of non-trivial respects.
To combat racism, we need to understand its basis. It’s not just a problem afflicting a few bigots. It’s a way of thinking about the kinds of people there are in the world that goes far beyond surface appearances and gives rise to invidious comparisons. And it’s a way of thinking that preschoolers have already begun to develop.”
Another relevant piece, “Children are Not Colorblind: How Children Learn Race,” written by Erin N. Winkler adds to the conversation:
“Children pick up on the ways in which whiteness is normalized and privileged in U.S. society. What does this mean? Consciously or unconsciously, middle-class white culture is presented as a norm or a standard in the United States in terms of appearance, beauty, language, cultural practices, food, and so on. Tatum (1997) argues that this message is so prevalent in our society it is like ‘smog in the air. Sometimes it is so thick it is visible, other times it is less apparent, but always, day in and day out, we are breathing it in’. For very young children, this ‘smog’ comes in the form of picture books, children’s movies, television, and children’s songs, which all include subtle messages that whiteness is preferable.
The lesson for caregivers of young children is: Do not shush children or shut down the conversation. Instead, engage in open, honest, frequent, and age-appropriate conversation about race, racial differences, and even racial inequity and racism. Research has shown that such conversations are associated with lower levels of bias in young children (Katz, 2003). Let go of the notion that you are “putting ideas in their heads” by talking about race; as we have seen, research shows that young children notice race and draw conclusions about difference on their own.”
While these reports are about race in general and not specifically about colorism, I think the concept is easily transferrable. I’m a real-life example of a once young girl who probably could’ve benefited from a few discussions of colorism at the age of five, four, or even three. It’s clear here that I’m advocating for talking about colorism sooner rather than later, but in the end, it’s up to parents to decide.
Sound familiar? That’s because parents and adults are known for teaching children how to survive in a potentially dangerous world. Parents know that if they don’t teach their children to look both ways before crossing the street, their children might very well die in the process of learning that lesson on their own. (An answer to the “I have to learn from my own mistakes” mentality.) Most parents know that if they don’t teach their child about sex, lots of other people will be all too happy to teach them.
Aside from basic survival skills, good parents know they also have to teach their children social skills and moral behavior. “No, Tiffany, it’s not okay to scratch your brother because you wanted to play with his toys.” We teach kids to play nice, to share, to clean up after themselves, to tell the truth, and to help old ladies across the street. I would include giving up your seat to the elderly, but parents obviously don’t teach that anymore.
Parents know that each child has a particular nature. Most parents know that it’s their responsibility to nurture.
My question: So why do parents neglect to teach their children how to value all skin colors (ethnicities, languages, etc.)?
Just as we have to nurture a spirit of giving and sharing in most kids, just as we have to nurture a spirit of hard work and responsibility in most kids, we also have to nurture a spirit of acceptance and appreciation, even love.
Below, I present 3 ideas on what might assist in nurturing such a spirit in our families, especially young children.
How can we foster in our children, a spirit of acceptance, appreciation, and even love for all shades of human skin?
1) Sort out your own attitude/feelings about colorism.
“I remember being really pissed off at my mother at first (“It’s my choice!”) Then a few weeks later, as I turned it over in my head, a bit embarrassed (“I wish I hadn’t said that”) then deeply ashamed (“I wish I didn’t think that”) and finally incredibly curious (“Why do I think that anyway?”)”
Know what you think, feel, and believe about skin color. Dig deep, because we all have that “I’m not a racist” ego we must deal with. Consciously, you might tell yourself “I’m colorblind,” but notice when you’re compelled to comment on how pretty a child is (or their hair or eyes). How does the child usually look?* Notice what you see every time you close your eyes and imagine your ideal mate, or your ideal children.
Before we can heal the world, we must begin to heal as individuals. You don’t have to be perfect to help others, but at least try to be aware of your imperfections and blind spots. I’m not saying everyone’s a closet racist, but if you resist self-reflection, maybe there’s something you’re afraid to face.
If you find that you had/have skin color bias, you can use yourself as a starting point in discussing skin color with your kids or other young people.
2) Talk candidly about colorism with your children.
They don’t need a lecture. It could be as simple as letting them hear you work through your own color biases. Like Coates, you may point out examples of when you expressed bias in the past and how you’ve changed/are changing. It could be as simple as looking at family photos with your kids and saying, “It’s wonderful that there are so many shades of skin in our family.”
Example: While watching a movie with his family, James notices some colorism at play.** Though the movie is supposedly “targeted” to African Americans, all the major female roles are played by actresses who have very fair skin. Some have light colored eyes and long wavy hair. A few dark skinned women make appearances in roles that are clearly less flattering. James is slightly uncomfortable but lets it go thinking that his kids are too young to be aware of such nuanced casting issues. Then James notices that his kids burst out in uncontrollable laughter at the ridiculously comic performance of a dark-skinned character. He cringes, but thinks, it was funny, and the director intended for people to laugh. Surely they would have laughed no matter what color the character was. The movie ends with the leading lady riding off into her happily ever after, validated as the fairest of them all (and she’s quite smart and witty too, and skinny).
Everyone seems to have enjoyed the movie, but James wonders how it influenced his kids’ thinking. He finally decides to say, “That was a fun movie. I wonder what would’ve happened if [funny character’s name] had switched places with [main character’s name].’”
James’ kids look at him funny and reply in utter disbelief:
“No way, dad. [funny character’s name] is too stupid and ugly.”
“Yeah [main character’s name] is so smart and like really, really pretty. OMG she’s so awesome.”
Even though “it’s just a movie” James sees that his kids don’t have the critical thinking skills to see it as “just a movie.” He takes this opportunity to help them develop some critical thinking skills, hoping they won’t internalize the latent message that light skin is good and dark skin is bad.
He says, “You know when actors and actresses play in movies, they can play any part. Right now I could pretend to be a stern judge,” and he makes a stern face and pretends to bang a gavel. “Or I can pretend to be a silly clown,” and he does a wobbly dance with a crazy face.
The kids laugh and join in the fun. One of them says, “I can pretend to be Spiderman!” and shoots pretend cobwebs from his upturned wrists.
James is excited that they’re getting it. Now he must relate this to skin color. “So just because someone plays an ugly or stupid character in a movie doesn’t mean they are stupid or ugly. [Funny character’s name] could play the role of the most beautiful princess, or the most successful doctor, or the smartest politician.”
James’ kids still look skeptical, so he keeps it real with them. “When I was your age I thought only light-skinned girls with long hair could be pretty and smart in movies and in real life. But I learned that wasn’t true. Now I see that all skin colors are beautiful. No matter what I see in movies or on TV I know they’re just acting, and [funny character’s name] is just as beautiful and smart in real life as anyone else, including [main character’s name].”
James’ kids take this in. They process it. He lets it go for now, but the seeds of critical thought, acceptance, and appreciation have been planted. He can continue to nurture them as they grow.
“Maybe it’s not a big deal to some, but for a woman who’s raising a daughter of color, it’s important to me!
I’m aware my daughter is Latina…yeah, she’s not black, but I don’t want her to grow up like I did. Not seeing positive images of people of color…including (but not limited to) people who look like her. If I look back to my childhood, the only positive image I can recall is the Cosby show…and that’s a shame. I still love that show, but even today…programing like that is hard to come by.
I buy black dolls for my daughter because I want her to understand the value of everyone, regardless of color. I buy black dolls because I know that the media is filled with negative images and it presents a challenge for our kids to grow up feeling good about dark skin. I buy black dolls because I want to change the norm.”
WOW!!! Go Sister.
Because colorism and racism are so prevalent, we don’t have to try hard at all to find positive exposure to lighter skin tones. So, survey the experiences your child typically has and see if they include enough positive exposure to darker skin tones. If not, I have suggestions for how to create positive exposure to darker skin tones. This is the practical, get it done today, type of thing. You probably know what I’m about to say. I suggest that you share the following things with your kids, depending on their ages, to nurture their acceptance of all skin tones, especially darker skin, since that exposure is more likely to be lacking or negative:
picture books with positive images of characters with dark skin
chapter books with well developed, dark-skinned characters
magazines with images of and articles by people with darker skin
festivals that expose them to the heritages of dark-skinned people
museum visits that teach them about the history of dark-skinned people
outings to locations known to draw diverse groups of people
quality time with family and friends of many skin tones, including darker ones
dolls with darker shades of skin
television shows featuring dark-skinned people in lead roles, or positive and substantial supporting roles
movies featuring dark-skinned people in lead roles, or positive and substantial supporting roles
I’m sure there’s more, but this is what I’ve come up with for now. Feel free to add suggestions in a comment.
NOTES:
*I think colorism is most acute in people’s reactions to babies and young children. Adults are more likely to comment on the relative prettiness or cuteness of children. When colorism is present, dark-skinned children usually aren’t lauded for their beauty, but as they get older, they may be recognized for having grown up to be beautiful women or handsome men.
**Two excellent examples of biased casting of the nature described in James’ story are the movies Coming to America and Guess Who. I remember watching these films, Coming to America as a young child and later Guess Who as a young adult, and feeling physically sick about the blatant colorism in their casting of female characters.
For this chat, I interviewed my mother. This was eye opening for me because in our face-to-face conversation I learned about details of my childhood that I have no memory of. I hope you enjoy a new voice in this conversation.
Do you consider your self dark-skinned, light-skinned, or neither?
Honestly, I still don’t consider myself a light-skinned African American. I may be a light brown but certainly not light-skinned. I attribute that to where I grew up. There you had a large population of really light-skinned African Americans that sometimes looked more white than black. We called them mulattoes.
What moments in your youth made you most aware of colorism?
I heard on a daily basis comments like, “Girl I don’t like that old black boy” or “That’s why yo momma so black.” It was everywhere. You were aware but just didn’t make a big deal about it. You kept it in, but you thought about it. Lighter skinned girls and guys were always considered cuter and many times smarter. The key is I knew many of them weren’t smarter than I was, so I asked myself how come they get to be selected for this or that.
What do you think were some of the reasons you didn’t make a big deal about it or kept it in even when you were thinking about it?
Because those instances were in my youth, and it was such a part of living that I didn’t think about trying to do something about it back then. Who would you speak out to?
Was there ever a moment in your life that you participated in or agreed with or supported this type of bias? Why or why not?
No, because I knew it wasn’t right. I had dark-skinned people in my family, and I didn’t feel it was a reason to criticize somebody. I never heard my mother speak in those terms with anyone or about anyone. None of my family really spoke that way. I never wished I had lighter skin or that I was white. Part of my youth I did rebel against people thinking that black is ugly because of the generation I grew up in, being a teenager in the 70’s with “black is beautiful” and afros. Perhaps I grew more comfortable as I matured into my teens. Perhaps I wasn’t as empowered as a younger person.
Have you ever dealt with colorism in the process of raising your children? If so, what kinds of situations arose and how did you handle them?
Yes. You see, I have two dark-skinned children and one lighter skinned child. Fortunately for me, they loved each other so much that I never had to deal with this issue in the relationship between them, but definitely from outside. I was asked several times if these were my kids. I would pridefully say, “Yes, indeed these are my babies,” and I would pull them close to me. I knew what people were thinking.
Each of my dark-skinned children had incidents at school where they were called black or charcoaled. My daughter was being called black and charcoaled every day by an African American male child. I thought it was important to let his parents know what he was doing and perhaps make them aware of the need to correct his thinking about his own race. I took my little girl to his house and spoke to the parents. Surprisingly, the mother was very receptive and handled it well. I think that day was an experience all of us will never forget. I know my daughter won’t.
I would constantly let my children know how beautiful they were, and that I wasn’t just saying that to make them feel better. It was true no matter what anyone says, and it was. Especially in the case of my daughter, I recognized and acknowledged her pain. We talked about it; we called it out when we saw it; we didn’t act like it wasn’t happening.
In what ways did your children respond to those situations? How did you observe them grappling with the issue? Did their responses change over time?
It didn’t come up with my male child as much. I don’t think he was as conscious or as affected. I don’t think it crippled them socially or hindered their will to succeed. They definitely didn’t live miserable lives because of it. Sometimes facial expressions when people would make comments let me know that they knew. I also just knew that it exists. They also weren’t afraid to talk about it. My daughter verbalized it.
My daughter was five and had already figured out that people said her sister would be able to attract boys easily because she was lighter skinned. At age five she identified her sister’s lighter skin as the reason they were saying that. I didn’t say to her, “Oh, get over it.” I carried that comment in my mind and did what I could so that she could conquer the world.
Why do you think your daughter was aware of this at such a young age?
Some children have a keener sense. Part of it is that I was a culturally aware mom. I didn’t hide that there are prejudices in the world, so that might have brought it to the forefront. Some people are more conscious and think a lot anyway. She was the kind of girl that always had to know why, and she felt free to ask why and that she had the right to let it be known. I can imagine kids whose parents ignore the problem, and the kids who don’t feel that freedom to express themselves.
To the best of your memory, was that incident when your daughter was five the first time you witnessed colorism in her life, or was it just the first time you witnessed her awareness of it?
It goes back for me when they had to stand up in kindergarten for head counts, and two African American girls stood up to be counted as white. I felt sad about that, that no one told those girls that they were black. Even the teacher, who was white, was embarrassed and not sure how to tell them to sit down. That showed a colorism to me, and it stuck with me. Also when they were younger, again, people often asked if they were mine.
Do you recall times when your light-skinned daughter also showed an awareness of skin color or colorism? If so, how early did you observe her awareness?
She wanted to tan at a young age, maybe since middle school. She was aware because, as with me, people always questioned and made a big deal about her siblings being dark. I will say that I don’t think she ever used her skin color to gain privileges or extra attention.
Did you ever deal with colorism in terms of raising your light-skinned daughter, interventions, conversations, etc.?
No. She was always there in our conversations as a family, so she knew how I felt about culture and equality. We talked about how crazy and bothersome it is to always have to explain that these are her siblings.
Where do you think colorism comes from, particularly for African Americans?
For African Americans colorism definitely came from a combination of things. The separation of dark-skinned and light-skinned slaves, the overall portrayal of dark-skinned people as negative in the early movies. We learned way back that the closer to white you were the better chance you had to succeed. [Perhaps we should add that chances for success were better because of racism, not because of inherent or biological superiority.] We learned that the closer to white you were the prettier you were considered to be. It was everywhere.
What sort of remedies can you suggest for this issue of colorism either collectively of individually?
Talk about it. Don’t act like it doesn’t exist and hasn’t existed for a long, long time. Support magazines and television shows that make an effort to show that there is beauty in all skin tones and are not afraid to showcase dark-skinned women and showcase them in a positive way. Be sensitive to how it impacts our girls at early ages. Every chance I get I purpose to tell a dark-skinned little girl how beautiful she is. I do it because it is true.
