Happy JUNETEENTH!!!

We have made it to the end of the Corporate Colorism Series!

Thank you so much for engaging in this important conversation with me!

If you haven’t read all the articles or watched all the live streams, I highly recommend going back to get caught up on anything you’ve missed.

This week is focused on how to respond to colorism once we have the awareness and the understanding of what it is and how it manifests!

Throughout this series, I have sprinkled advice, tips, and action steps you can take toward solving this problem. But now I want to introduce you to a framework that will help you get strategic about your efforts to address colorism.

Watch Live or Scroll to Keep Reading

The I.R.I.S. framework represents the 4 layers of society impacted by colorism, which are also the 4 layers in which we create change:

• Individual– personal bias and mental health
• Relational– interactions between individuals or small groups
• Institutional– policies, procedures, norms, or culture within a larger entity
• Systemic– far-reaching patterns across the larger society

There are 4 levers that help us set the wheel of change into motion: Awareness, Assessment, Attitudes, and Action.

The human iris (the colored circles of our eyes) is like the human fingerprint–no two humans have the same eye color. Inspired by this fact, the I.R.I.S. framework is uniquely applied to each person, entity, or culture.

If you’d like direct support in how to apply this framework, visit ColorismHealing.com! Businesses, companies, schools, agencies, and other entities can contact me for public speaking, training, and consulting services. And for individuals, I’m offering coaching, support groups, live Zoom workshops, in-person events, and more! You can contact me for all these things via email, Direct Messages on LinkedIn or Instagram, and via my website colorismhealing.com.

If you’re interested in my speaking, training, or consulting services, please contact me here.

Homework: 1- Make sure you’re all caught up with each of the previous articles/videos in this series. 2- Take the time you need to review, process, clarify, etc. and 3- Contact me or join one of my upcoming events and workshops!

Affirmation: I am creating meaningful change!

A Conversation. A Celebration. A Calling.
Hosted by Dr. Sarah L. Webb in Honor of
Colorism Healing’s 10-Year Anniversary!

RSVP Below!

Location: Family Time Mansfield, Texas

Dynamic Community Discussion
Networking
Music
Dancing (optional)
Refreshments
Merch
& More

Special Guest

Celeste Graham
@theslayyylesteshow
@badbsandphds

RSVP HERE!

The Woman King has been widely celebrated and honored by audiences, film critics, and reputable industry organizations, including the legendary NAACP Image Awards.

And yet it did not receive a single Oscar nomination, not a single one. This is significant because, whether we like it or not, an Oscar nomination, much less an Oscar win, is still considered the highest form of recognition in the industry, and it does influence the trajectory of films and acting careers.

It’s as if the Oscars have said: Hold up now, Black Women, especially dark-skinned Black women, yall getting too big for britches and should learn to stay in your place.

So the real reason I’m discussing this is because the Oscars’ snub of The Woman King has sent a very clear message that “The Academy” will not recognize any films that dare to challenge or threaten Hollywood’s white-supremacist-capitalist-patriarchy.

Watch the Live Stream or Continue Scrolling to Read:

I am returning to the topic of colorism and Misogynoir in Hollywood. More specifically, I’m going to explain why I think the Oscars are quite frankly being vindictive because The Woman King represents what happens when Black women choose themselves, when Black women have the audacity to succeed without approval from gatekeepers, and when Black women decide to be amazing despite insidious attempts at sabotage.

My critique of this situation is based on information from interviews about how the film was made and based on my analysis of the final product of the film itself.

Starting with the film itself, which I’ve done an analysis of before:

• We get an ensemble cast of dark-skinned Black women as principle actors and an entire narrative woven around their inner and outer lives. Which is unheard of for movies with this level of production and global recognition.
• Those dark-skinned Black women are honored, revered, respected, admired, and loved within their community, amongst each other, and by other Black men.
• We get to see those dark-skinned Black women in the full-range of their humanity rather than watered down, one-dimensional, palatable, or crude stereotypes.
• There’s no sugar coating the problems and oppressive dynamics that existed across African cultures, including misogyny and violence against women and complicity in the colonial slave trade. Because we can love and celebrate Africa without pretending like it’s a perfect utopia.
• The film portrays the ways that light-skinned and mixed-race people were often positioned as a middle class between white Colonizers and Black Africans.
• There are absolutely ZERO white saviors. All of the white characters are portrayed as cruel, and there are no white characters that white audiences can watch and feel better about themselves.
• At the end, Black people massacre the white folks, destroy their property, and free their captured kinfolk.

Behind The Scenes:

• Women had leading roles behind the camera as well, including producing, writing, directing, and costuming.
• And I want to highlight Viola Davis’s leadership and advocacy in particular. She’s someone who’s not just in Hollywood for the fame and money. She’s leaving a legacy and leaving an impact in the industry that goes far beyond just her individual career. She’s not just playing the game, she’s changing the game for herself and for dark-skinned Black women yet to come.
• Apparently it was difficult to assemble a team because other major players were afraid to get on board or be associated with the movie. They didn’t believe a film with all dark-skinned Black women leading could have such huge success.
• Other executives wanted to insert a prominent MALE lead, but the core team fought to keep it women-centered.
• There was pressure around hairstyling and the team had to fight to keep it as authentic as possible.

Contrasting the snub of The Woman King with the Embrace of Wakanda Forever.

• The contrast in how each of these movies has been received by the Oscars is intentional. It underscores their message that only films that stay within the bounds of what white-supremacist-capitalist-patriarchal gatekeepers feel comfortable with will be awarded by this institution.
• In other words, whether you like Wakanda Forever or not, it does not challenge or threaten the identity or the self-concept of those gatekeepers. It does not challenge the white-supremacist-capitalist-patriarchy of the industry.
• For one, it was primarily MEN in charge of making this film, and that automatically makes a huge difference in Hollywood.
• And going even deeper than that, my analysis of the film leads me to believe that Wakanda Forever is insidiously anti-Black and perpetrates a very recognizable brand of misogynoir.
• I’ve already addressed the issue of using dark-skinned Black women’s physical features for comedic relief in my article about the scenes poking fun at Okoye’s bald head.
• But the overall tone of the film felt like: See, Wakanda isn’t so special after-all. In fact, Wakanda’s lighter skinned rivals could wipe them off the map if they really wanted to. This is primarily based on the complete uprooting of the Wakandan origin story. Why couldn’t Namor and his people have their own origin story?
• I was frustrated that a film titled Wakanda Forever: 1) Gave at least 50% of meaningful screen time to NOT Wakanda, and 2) Wakanda was actually made to look quite feeble, week, and insignificant in contrast to their lighter skinned rivals. The film felt like it should have been called The Rise of Namor. And the lighter-skinned civilization was portrayed with a lot more seriousness, dignity, and respect than the Wakandans were given overall.

RECAP: The Oscars’ snub of The Woman King has sent a very clear message that “The Academy” will not recognize any films that dare to challenge or threaten Hollywood’s white-supremacist-capitalist-patriarchy.

If you’re interested in my speaking, training, or consulting services, please contact me here.

HOMEWORK: On the night of March 12, instead of watching the Oscars, stream The Woman King instead.

AFFIRMATION: I choose me.

It’s so common to see statements and hashtags declaring that “Representation Matters!”

But we don’t often enough explain how or why it matters so much.

Representation Matters because the way people are represented in society directly impacts how they are treated in society.

Physical, material, and political violence against a group is always preceeded and enabled by negative propaganda, harmful narratives, and dehumanizing visual and verbal rhetoric about that group.

And by “representation” I mean both the misrepresentation and the absence or lack of representation.

As I’ve said before it’s both quantity and quality of representation that matters.

When it comes to creating justice around colorism, immerse yourself in representations of dark-skinned Black women created by people who actually LOVE Dark-Skinned Black Women.

Immerse yourself in images of people loving dark-skinned Black women and spread those images far and wide.

When was the last time you’ve seen an image of people loving dark-skinned Black women and girls?

When was the last time you created and/or shared such an image yourself?

This is your homework!

If you’re interested in my speaking, training, or consulting services, please contact me here.

The “bald-headed” jokes in Wakanda Forever ruined the movie for me. I immediately cringed and rolled my eyes early in the film when M’Baku calls General Okoye a “bald-headed demon.” I immediately thought, Yep, I can definitely see a Black man writing that line and directing that scene. It was the only line in the film that elicited an audible laugh from the white guy sitting on my row, which speaks to the ways Black humor by Black men in particular panders to the white male gaze by using dark skinned Black Women for their punchlines. 

But that terrible line wasn’t enough for them. They created an extended dialogue later in the scene where Okoye and Shuri find the black girl scientist at MIT. We see one Black woman look at another Black woman in disgust and say “You need to be mindful of how your look, with that ash on your head.” And it was meant to be another cheap joke about a dark skinned Black woman’s looks and her physical appearance. Scenes like these implicitly teach that our looks are something to be self-conscious or anxious about or ashamed of.

This movie reminded me that dark skinned Black Women can’t count on being safe even in Black spaces. Even in a movie supposedly celebrating Black people and Black culture, we get a double dose of one of the most played out attacks on Black Women. It reminded me that the Black male gaze is not inherently safe and far too often hostile for dark-skinned Black women.

And what really shines through the lens of colorism for me is the contrast between the world’s response when Kris Rock merely alluded to Jada Pinket’s bald head with a J I Jane reference. Though I denounced his joke and all others like it after the Oscars, what he said was not as negative or demeaning as what’s said in Wakanda Forever. And yet contrast allll the posts, memes, backlash, and think pieces in support of the petite light skinned actress. Versus the silence in response to the same issue for a dark skinned actress. Most folks didn’t even notice or bat an eye during those scenes. Perhaps we’re so conditioned and desensitized to hair jokes and to seeing dark-skinned women as punchlines. 

Many people defended Will Smith for slapping someone in defense of a Black woman. But like I originally said after the Oscars, to quote myself: “I don’t see [the slap] as a moment of redemption for ALL Black women. Cus colorism, classism, sizeism [and featurism] have repeatedly shown most of us that ain’t NOBODY sticking their necks out to defend US.” 

So many dark skinned girls and women have specifically looked to Danai Gurira and her role as Okoye for affirming representations of ourselves. So the scenes I’m talking about felt like a slap in the face to me and all dark skinned women who endure not just “bald-headed” jokes but all the myriad other degrading shots at our physical appearance. I was extremely hurt and disappointed by those scenes but sadly I wasn’t surprised. Part of my sadness is in knowing that those scenes will continue on spreading harmful narratives as they are etched into the Marvel cinematic universe for generations to come. And part of my sadness comes from the fact that this movie was supposed to be an opportunity for us to get free of that. If Wakanda Forever is supposed to represent the best of Black representation in Hollywood and even it can’t shake off this particular form of misogynoir, then what are we doing??? 

Stop using dark-skinned Black Women as comic relief.

If you’re interested in my speaking, training, or consulting services, please contact me here.

P.S. 2 things make a coincidence. 3 things are a SIGN. Since seeing the movie on Monday evening, I had 3 distinct moments on Tuesday where I hit my hand, stubbed my toe, and dinged my elbow. I learned this can be a manifestation of repressed anger and frustration. I was consciously aware that I felt angry and frustrated about the film and the context surrounding it. So I wrote this around 2:00am Hawaii Time because it wouldn’t let me sleep. My body was alerting me and inviting me to consciously and intentionally channel my anger and frustration in a healthier way, rather than turn it inward on myself. This is the story of Mars Rx in my first house. So I’m writing this as a collective teachable moment about colorism hairism and misogynoir. And I’m writing this to save and to heal myself.

Go.

That’s it.

That’s the whole review.

Just go see it.

And see it again.

Lol, okay, I actually have a lot more to say than that!

Watch the Full Conversation Below or scroll to read my notes:

While I facetiously refer to this as “The Only Movie Review You Need,” I actually hope to inspire even more discussion, dialogue, and analysis of this film from multiple vantage points: film studies, narrative studies, historical studies, feminist studies, Black studies, Black feminist studies, Black women’s studies, visual studies, hair politics, costume design, acting technique, marketing, movie production, directing, creative writing, literary studies, rhetorical analysis, and all the things.

Initial Reactions & Overall Impression

This is a great film. Even beyond its sociopolitical significance, it’s just a great film.

I was immediately pulled in by the power of the story, the acting, the production quality, just the whole entire package. I was convinced. I cared deeply about every character. I was taken on an emotional journey, was brought to tears multiple times, felt triumphant and empowered and fierce and loving and angry and compassionate and a full range of human emotions.

And, yes, as a dark-skinned Black woman I felt so seen. I felt seen for all of my humanity. I finally felt like I could identify with all of the main cast. I finally felt like I was well represented in a major Hollywood film.

More than anything, I see The Woman King as a movie about sisterhood.

Contemporary Social Context

We now have a blockbuster Hollywood film that is driven by the personalities and the outer and inner lives of Dark-Skinned Black Women. When has that ever happened before?

Viola Davis has consistently emphasized that reception of this film is speaking very loudly to all of Hollywood, including the gatekeepers, the executives, other directors, producers, studios, movie theaters and streaming platforms, and other actors. They will use this film as precedent on whether to green-light, participate in, or support other movies for decades to come.

Colorism and misogynoir are significant to the social context of this film. I did a brief video the day I saw the movie about colorism and misogynoir among Hollywood audiences, but I want to address it here again. When we do talk about colorism and Hollywood, we usually talk about colorism in Hollywood. We typically focus on those involved in the making and distribution of films, the Hollywood gatekeepers and those within the industry.

That context is still very much important because it sets the stage for one of the reasons why this film is so culturally significant. It’s because of that long-standing and deeply entrenched level of colorism in Hollywood that it’s so noteworthy and groundbreaking to have this film cast the way it was, simply because it’s unprecedented.

But my analysis of colorism in this context goes beyond colorism within Hollywood. I also want to call out the high levels of colorism among movie watchers, which enables and encourages the colorism from within Hollywood.

Bottom line, there will be people of every race, color, and gender who simply are not attracted to movies celebrating the full humanity of dark-skinned Black women. They might enjoy double tapping on sexy photos and twerk videos of us, but don’t want to hear about our back story, what motivates us, what makes us laugh, what makes us cry, what makes us shout with joy, what makes us shout with rage, what makes us dance, and what compels our deepest love.

The Genre: Fact vs. Historical Fiction

“Inspired by True Events” in no way requires that a movie or novel or stage play simply recount historical events like an encyclopedia timeline.

Just because a story is set in the past, doesn’t mean it has to be a “true” story.

There’s a legitimate genre of literature called Historical Fiction. Authors of historical fiction apply history as the setting of a newly imagined story.

You don’t fact check Beloved. You don’t fact-check historical novels because it’s clearly understood that while these stories are “inspired by true events” they were never meant to be textbooks of purely factual data.

The Woman King is one of many historical fiction narratives. What matters most in that genre is not that stories are historically true but that they are emotionally true. And that’s exactly what The Woman King is.

When people say “Hollywood does a bad job of telling our history,” it’s actually misguided and inappropriate to expect Hollywood to be a textbook. Audiences have to do better of knowing the role of Hollywood in society. It’s never meant to teach. If it happens to, that’s just icing on the cake. But education and factual information is never the focus of Hollywood movies. And it shouldn’t be. Read books, watch documentaries, and go to museums if that’s what you’re looking for.

Celebrating Slavery???

Anyone who’s actually seen the movie is probably clear that the movie is very much against slavery.

If you’re interested in my speaking, training, or consulting services, please contact me here.

I want to talk about three movies that illustrate a larger pattern of colorism in Hollywood and colorism among the masses of movie goers around the world: The Woman King, Black Panther, and The Little Mermaid.

Watch/Listen Here or Scroll to Read:

The Little Mermaid, Racism, and Colorism

Because a Black actress, Halle Bailey, is playing Ariel in TLM, we have seen terrible, racist backlash. Despite her experiences of this ugly and violent racism, Halle Bailey is still, simultaneously benefiting from colorism.

Lighter-skinned actresses are far more likely to be cast in roles like this than dark-skinned actresses. Lighter-skinned people in general are far more likely to be positioned as barrier breakers, the first to cross the color line. We saw this in the sphere of politics with Barack Obama and Kamala Harris, for example. As radical as it might seem to some that any non-white person plays Ariel, we are much farther away from seeing a dark-skinned Black girl starring in this kind of movie. Definitely not one with afro hair and broad features.

Additionally, our collective compassion and willingness to rally around Halle Bailey and her new film is also enabled by colorism. Dark-skinned Black women rarely get the same levels of support from our own people and supposed allies when we also face racism and colorism. I’ve said before: “Because of biases and stereotypes, light-skinned people are more likely to garner empathy, sympathy, support, and sponsorship from others.” I can definitely see this playing out here for consciously colorist people and the many more who are un/subconsciously colorist.

I’m happy about this expansion of representation in mainstream media. And I feel and understand how we have so much farther to go in order for all Black girls to feel seen and valued in society.

Why are Black Panther and The Woman King Received Differently?

I contrast this with the more reticent support for The Woman King, and I contrast that with the global celebration of a similar war movie: Black Panther.

There are significant differences between TWK and BP that contribute to the different receptions of both: Budget is probably one of the biggest differences, and related to budget is the overall industry support, marketing, number of A-list actors, positioning within a larger franchise (Marvel, Avengers, etc.). But using the lens of colorism, I see an even more nuanced difference.

Black Panther has been celebrated for its representation of dark-skinned Black women. However, the film itself was not centered on a majority dark-skinned Black women cast and storyline. Yes, in BP we got to see more representation of dark-skinned Black women, but it wasn’t really their story. They were not the protagonists. It wasn’t all-dark-skinned-Black-women-all-the-time. The titular character was a man. A Black man and Black men were centered in BP. A Black man was positioned as the hero of the story.

The Woman King and Dark Skinned Black Women in Film

The Woman King tells the story of dark-skinned Black women. In this film, it’s all dark-skinned Black women all the time. Dark-skinned Black women are the heroes, the protagonist, the nominal character.

This is the intersectionality of gender. Society has always been more willing to accept and embrace dark-skinned men than dark-skinned women.

Supporting The Woman King is one small, practical way to do something about colorism in the media (and in society). For all the many people who continuously ask me what to do about colorism: Go see The Woman King in theaters. This is where the rubber meets the road. This is your opportunity to not just talk that talk but also walk that walk. This is a relatively low-stakes way to do your work on colorism. If you’re hesitant to go see a movie solely to support an all-dark-skinned Black women cast, it’s questionable whether you’ll be able to stand against colorism in moments when the stakes are even higher, when there’s even more risk and effort involved.

Even if you end up hating the movie, dark-skinned Black women are worth the gamble. How many mediocre, cringe-worthy, or downright terrible films and TV shows have you seen? How often have you taken a chance on films or shows starring Black men? How often have you taken a chance on films or shows starring white or light-skinned women?? Watching a film or show is always a gamble as to whether you’ll like it. Why’s there so much resistance to taking that same gamble on a film featuring multiple dark-skinned Black women in leading roles???

How many people saw Black Panther just to show support for a Black story?

How many people will go see The Little Mermaid just to support Halle Bailey and resist racism?

How many people will go see The Woman King just to support dark-skinned Actresses and resist racism and colorism?

If you’re interested in my speaking, training, or consulting services, please contact me here.

I’m counting down my top 14 favorite movies starring dark-skinned black women as love interests. I’ve ranked them from 14, my least favorite all the way down to my number one. Favorite film, featuring a dark-skinned black woman as the leading lady.

For anyone who’s interested in the background context for this list, I’m going to start by explaining why I made the list as well as my criteria for selecting which movies to include and how to rank them. I wanna start by talking about why this list is so important.

One, representation matters.

I always wanted to see a love story with a woman who looked like me. Instead, I most often felt completely invisible in movies and TV, especially if there was a romantic plot.

I myself have searched for lists like this one so many times, and I’ve gotten mixed results in terms of what exactly I was looking for. So, I figured I’d make my own list and share it just in case anyone else is out there searching.

But this list is also important because we know that the way society represents dark-skinned Black women has a direct impact on how society treats dark-skinned Black women.

And regardless of your relationship status, regardless of whether or not you care about romance or dating or marriage, It’s always great to see that option as a real possibility for us.

I have talked about the dangers of overvaluing romantic relationships or romantic validation in a recent blog post/live stream on the impact of colorism on a single dark-skinned girl. So I’m definitely not making this video as a way to put romantic relationships on a pedestal or to say that that’s the end-all-be-all for life.

But… Since we’re gonna be watching movies anyway… If you’re inclined to watch a romcom or a romance drama… why not let it feature a dark skinned black woman?

Watch this Video for My Full Breakdown of Each Film, My Selection Criteria, 3 Bonus Movies, and Next Steps!

14 FAVE Movies with Dark Skinned Black Women Love Interests

14) Queen & Slim (2019)

13) The Princess & the Frog (2009)

12) Vacation Friends (2021)

11) Things Never Said (2013)

10) The Seat Filler (2004)

9) The Lovebirds (2020)

8) Southside With You (2016)

7) Daddy’s Little Girls (2007)

6) A Bronx Tale (1993)

5) Juanita (2019)

4) Middle of Nowhere (2012)

3) The Photograph (2020)

2) If Beale Street Could Talk (2018)

1) The Weekend (2018)

If you’re looking for a speaker or facilitator for your next colorism event, learn about Dr. Sarah Webb’s colorism keynotes and workshops.

After my analysis of mothers and colorism last week and my earlier discussions of fathers and families, I want to step beyond analysis and commentary and speak more directly to strategies for breaking generational cycles of colorism.

This week I’m discussing the 5 important environments parents and guardians must curate and maintain in order to help stop the cycle of colorism within their families and among the larger society. Not only do parents care for these environments themselves, they also teach their children how to create and care for these environments too.

Watch Below. Scroll to Read

Inner Environment

People have asked if I have, can, or will do more for children. My core belief is that I am directly helping children whenever I help the adults in those children’s lives, whether it’s parents, relatives, doctors, daycare providers, teachers, or coaches.

One of the best ways to help kids is to improve the environments they’re in, and that requires working with the adults who control those environments.

I also encourage parents not to ignore their own needs. Yes, this is yet another “oxygen mask” analogy.

How can we show kids how to love themselves if we haven’t done our own self love work? How can we teach kids to be kind and loving toward others when we aren’t willing to examine and correct our own biases and prejudices?

That said, I definitely do encourage parents to find and tap into a village. You don’t have to be limited to your own time, abilities, knowledge, etc. This can definitely be a collective effort.

Home Environment

• Choose your neighborhood based on the kinds of experiences you want your children to have.
• Decorate your home with items and images that affirm dark skin.
• Curate your media intake carefully and intentionally.
• Be intentional and consistent with the stories, lessons, values you share and reinforce with words and habits.

Extended Family Environment

• Limit interactions with colorist family members, whether they’re intentional or not.
• When you do interact, have a plan ahead of time for how you will respond to any colorist incidents. (Ex. simply walk away, ask follow up questions, call out and counteract, signal an accomplice, etc.)
• Deepen connections with supportive relatives.

School Environment

• Understand that education is wholistic, and that formal schooling is a social construct. Try to find balance.
• Get to know teachers, admin, and other staff. In particular, get to know their mission, their values, their objectives. Have conversations with them upfront about what you want in your child’s education and school experience.
• Form alliances with other parents who have similar values and objectives around inclusion, equity, justice, and diversity.
• Change schools.

Community Environment

• Joining teams, leagues, local organizations, churches, etc. that have proven inclusion and equity for dark skinned people at every level.
• Consider finding spaces that have the added mission or objective of affirming and bringing justice to dark-skinned Black people, even if it’s not a stated objective.

I’m calling this blog post “Mothers and Colorism: Expanded Edition” because this is an update and expansion on the original post written a decade ago. My objective this time around is still to explain some of the more common ways that mothers perpetuate colorism within their families. I also had a more recent discussion on colorist fathers, but there I focused specifically on their impact on daughters. Today I want to speak more broadly to the mother’s influence on children across the gender spectrum.

Transparency: I am not and have not been a mother, so I can’t speak to this from that perspective. What I’ll share here comes from the perspective of being a daughter, knowledge about other mothers/daughters, and of course, research.

Watch the Live or Scroll to Keep Reading:

The Context of Patriarchy

Because most of us have been reared in patriarchal societies, this context is extremely relevant. Mothers have historically been and continue to be the most likely primary caregiver for children. This holds true even if when mothers are married to, live with, or have equal joint custody with the children’s father.

For that reason, mothers have a tremendous influence on their children’s lives and on their children’s psyches, beliefs, mentality, habits, etc.

Patriarchy is also the reason mothers get dragged through the mud, criticized and judged no matter what, and blamed even for the things they do not control in their children’s lives, including their children’s skin tones. So I’m being very intentional not to let this conversation devolve into that.

Especially since all mothers were also reared in a home and in a society that first taught them all of these things. So all adults have to be responsible for their own healing and reprogramming. There is very much a need for accountability, possibly boundaries, even as we have compassion or understanding.

The Child’s Gender

Speaking of patriarchy, you may or may not know that colorism, like most societal issues, has disproportionate consequences for girls and women. That fact alone will influence the amount of and the kind of influence mother’s have on their kids based on sex and gender–sons (trans/cis), daughters (trans/cis), non-binary children, etc.

Tradition would suggest that it’s helpful for girls in particular to have a good role model in their mothers and to be able to see themselves in their mothers. Mothers are often a girl’s first example of how to be, how to care for themselves, treat themselves, how to navigate life in a female body, etc.

For boys, however, mothers are also often their first example of how to be in relationship to and with women. Sons will pick up on even subtle or unconscious cues about

The Mother’s and Child’s Skin Tones

Mothers of any skin tone and any race can perpetuate colorism among children of any skin tone and any race. The relative complexions of the mom and child–same, similar, or different–often has an impact as well.

In keeping with the importance of mothers as role models for girls in particular, having a mother who looks like you, similar complexion, hair, features, body type, etc. is reportedly helpful for many girls, but only when the mother is sending signals of love and self love.

On the flip side, many dark skinned girls who have light skinned mothers report not feeling fully understood or seen by their mothers. Even when the mother is loving or affirming, they often say, “She doesn’t fully understand.”

And many of us have heard light skinned and/or mixed race people reflect on how having a dark skinned mothers compels them to take colorism seriously. Again, this is predicated on the messaging, intentional or unintentional, they received from their mothers.

Common Ways Mothers Perpetuate Colorism

In no particular order, here’s a sort of brainstorm list of common ways mothers might perpetuate colorism either intentionally or unintentionally. And when I say “perpetuate colorism,” I mean they’re sending the message that lighter skin, straighter hair, and thinner features are better.

• How they carry themselves and the choices they make about their own appearance or lifestyle- Has the dark-skinned mother truly accepted her own skin tone? Is she confident in how she goes about living her life? Is she ashamed of her natural hair? Does she have other dark-skinned friends? If the mother is light skinned, is she friends with dark-skinned women? Does she move with an air of superiority? Has she embraced her natural hair texture?
• Ignoring colorism- Whether mothers are intentionally denying colorism exists to suppress conversations about it, or whether they genuinely don’t understand how it works, this is a very common way that mothers are complicit in colorism.
• Practicing favoritism among their own children- There are so many ways this shows up, that I can’t possibly provide an exhaustive list, but here’s a start: Being nicer to one child more than others. Being less affectionate to one child. Punishing one child more than others. Allowing one child to get away with things that the others get into trouble for. Blaming darker-skinned children for all sibling spats or blaming them for anything that goes wrong. Bragging about one child while ignoring the other. Promoting and supporting the lighter skinned child’s education, extracurricular activities, etc.
• Treating their own child differently in relation to other people’s kids- Some mothers will dote on other people’s light-skinned kids more than they dote on their own kids who are darker. And many mother’s with light skinned kids will explicitly or implicitly communicate that their children are supposedly superior to other people’s kids who are darker.
• Direct messaging about the value of certain features- Many mothers explicitly communicate to their children their preference for certain complexions, facial features, and hair textures/styles and their disdain for others.
• Sometimes the “messaging” escalates to abusive behavior- At times mothers are so unhealed themselves that they take more extreme actions like harsh scrubbing of the child’s skin, cruel discipline, neglecting a child, verbal assaults, and other forms of abuse. Two novels that illustrate this are God Help the Child by Toni Morrison, and The Darkest Child by Delores Phillips.

Projecting onto Light Skinned Children

I’ll get in trouble for even mentioning this, but it does happen that mothers of various skin tones who have their own unhealed trauma might direct their anger toward light-skinned children. And please don’t think this is merely a dark-skinned mother vs. light-skinned daughter issue. The Autobiography of Malcom X mentions that his very light skinned mother, for example, how is very light skinned mother expressed disdain for her light skinned children because they triggered her own self-hatred for being light and mixed race.

As I’ve always said, though, I describe this kind of dynamic as a consequence of colorism rather than colorism itself, much like Black kids beating up a white kid for hanging nooses in a tree is not reverse racism, but a violent reaction to racism.

Again (and again), if you don’t want the backlash to a system, fight like hell to end that system. Pretending like society operates exactly the same for all skin tones actually exacerbates the problem you complain about.

And I only mention it because I already know someone will bring it up. So this is my preemptive response.

Is it possible to overcorrect?

One last thing I’ll share regarding how mothers engage their children is that when mothers are aware of colorism, they might bolster their attention or support of darker skinned children, daughters in particular. From the perspective of a lighter skinned sibling, this usually looks like favoritism, especially since kids aren’t likely to have the systemic and historical perspective of what’s really going on.

In this case, I stress the need to speak openly and directly with children at all ages and developmental stages about colorism. Be transparent when you can. Be mindful of the personal needs of all your children, but teach them about privilege. Teach them about intersectionality. And be willing to ask them questions as well, and listen to them.

We need people of every race and skin tone to be emotionally and psychologically healthy. So you don’t have to neglect the lighter skinned children, but do help them understand privilege as a concept and help them understand the unique ways they are privileged.

All Adults are Responsible for Their Own Healing & Growth

I made a viral TikTok about a biracial YouTuber who made anti-black comments in a video. Soooo many people literally said: “I blame the mother.” To land the blame squarely on Black mothers is problematic. In this instance, it was also anti-black to give the light-skinned, biracial adult with a massive public platform a free pass for not being more mindful and responsible with her words and to instead only place responsibility on her Black mother.

The YouTuber is an adult. All adults are responsible for themselves, no matter what. Yes, we can understand their context, but their parenting doesn’t absolve them of what they do and say as adults. Imagine if all criminal defense attorneys got acquittals because their clients had bad parents… And instead of the offender being charged with a crime, the legal system charged parents for the actions of their fully grown, fully adult children…

Adults have to take responsibility for their own healing and growth. Adults who fail to do so end up becoming parents who perpetuate the cycle of colorism.

Next Week: Breaking the Generational Cycle of Colorism: Strategies and Tips for Parents & Caregivers

Affirmation: I take responsibility for my own healing and evolution.

This week continues the discussion on how we go about unlearning skin color bias. Get caught up on part 1 here. While last week we tackled the overarching strategy, this week we get to explore the novelty of various activities that can help us execute or implement the overall strategies I shared last time.

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Responding to Colorist Content or Incidents

One ongoing practice that will help you unlearn skin color bias is to 1) practice noticing colorism, and 2) critique it when you notice it.

Noticing colorist content or colorist incidents can keep the message or narrative from slipping through your conscious awareness into your subconscious program. Starting to become more conscious about colorism is a form of boundary against internalizing it. Think of your unconscious or subconscious as private property that you want to guard from trespassing. Your conscious awareness is like the alarm system or the security system that help deter trespassers.

The critique helps you shape the narrative. You can now take a conscious approach to direct the meaning of what you see happening. I’ll use “The Slap” as an example here. Without conscious critique through the lens of colorism, we risk internalizing and normalizing light skinned people perpetuating physical violence against dark skinned people.

The critique can involve explaining or analyzing how it’s colorism, why it’s problematic, what could be done differently, and/or helpful ways to course correct or proceed going forward.

Curating & Consuming Media and Entertainment

TV & Movies: I’ll start here because I think it’s the most obvious place to start. To put it plain and simple: Watch more movies and TV with positive, dynamic representations of dark skinned people, especially dark skinned women, especially dark skinned women with different body types and hair styles. I highly recommend Abbot Elementary.

For more on my take about not just quantity but also quality of representation, check out my post on colorism in Hollywood.

Social Media: I am a fan of social media because we have even more agency here than we do with more traditional forms of media. Curate a new feed. You can edit your current feeds or start new profiles from scratch. If you want to keep your existing pages, start unfollowing accounts that don’t help fill your feed with dark skin affirmation and start following more accounts that do.

Follow hashtags like #darkskinlove or any number of the many that are out there. Hashtags will vary between platforms.

And actually engage with the content you want to see more often. You can train the algorithm to give you more of what you do want and less of what you don’t want. But you have to teach it what you actually like by engaging more intentionally and more frequently.

Music: You get the trend by now that this always involve a balance of subtracting and adding. Let go of the music and music videos that even remotely colorist. Fill your playlists with music and music videos created by dark-skinned people, that speak truth to you, that affirm dark skin, etc. If we’re just keeping it real, we can’t really depend on dark-skinned male artists to make the music or the videos that do this.

Print Media: This of course includes things like books and magazines. Whether it’s novels, collections of essays, academic books specifically about colorism, magazines like CRWNMAG, coffee table photography books etc. you can read these, study these, enjoy these, collect this, or display these in your home, office, classroom, etc.

Other Visual & Performing Art: Wall art is a fun and effective way to curate your physical space with affirming imagery of. Paintings, prints, posters, photographs, and any other visual art can be displayed around you.

You can also attend live shows, art galleries, Black dance performances, and so much more. This brings me to the last section on activities.

Proactive Activities

The possibilities are endless. So part of what I want to do is crowd source ideas from my community of folks that I’ll share on the Monday live stream (Instagram @ 7:00pm ET) and that you can watch in the YouTube video embedded above.

However, here’s a quick list of some activities I can recommend now and that I’ve tried before:

• Make collages with photos, images, words, etc
• Paint, draw or make other forms of art
• Take photographs or do a photo shoot
• Coloring books
• Write affirmations
• Spend time around diverse dark-skinned people
• Spend quality with dark skinned people
• Do photo studies of yourself and others

Accountability

Start doing one or more of these things, and tell me about it! Send me an email or leave a comment on social media.

Last week (and several years ago!) I unpacked the notion that colorism is “just a preference.” This week is all about how we can unlearn skin tone bias aka skin tone preference bka colorism. I’ll be sharing some of the mindsets and activities that have helped me and my clients see significant transformations in how we move through the world.

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Start noticing your thoughts and behaviors

A more passive way of doing this is to simply practice mindfulness throughout your day. Set the intention that you’re going to notice your thoughts, reactions, and feelings toward people. The feeling part is more important than people might realize. As you start to become more self-aware in this regard, start to ask yourself: Hmmm, I wonder what that was about. See if over time you start to notice a pattern. If so, ask yourself again: Hm, why is that? I consider this the passive way because you’re waiting to see what happens going forward, if anything.

There are a few of more proactive approaches. One of the simple ways to start noticing your patterns of thinking, feeling, or behaving toward yourself or others of different skin tones is to review your past. In a journal (yall know I love these!) scroll through your memories, look at old photos, old social media posts, skim old movies or TV shows, consider your exes, your family history etc. Take note of how you were thinking, feeling, behaving during those times. And again, ask yourself: Hm, I wonder what that was about. Notice any patterns?

A second method is to do your own quasi experiments. Look at photos of people with different skin tones and see how you respond to each one. Go out in public, ideally in a diverse location, and people watch. Observe how you feel, what you think, how you react as people approach, pass, etc.

A third proactive way to test yourself is to actually take the Harvard Implicit Association Test!

This can start to get very uncomfortable. That’s okay. That’s actually a good thing. Lean into it. Sit with it. Let it work on you. If you notice colorist patterns, discomfort is actually a healthy response.

Don’t underestimate the importance of this phase. Mental health researchers and practitioners have noted how merely becoming consciously aware of your thought patterns and behavioral patterns is the first step to freeing yourself from them. Don’t try to skip this step!

Identify sources of negative and positive input

I mentioned this in my Healing Habits post, and I’ll elaborate here.

I learned as a child, some basic laws of physics: You get out what you put in. Stereotypes in, stereotypes out. Antiblackness in, antiblackness out. Colorism in, colorism out. You feel me?

Identifying sources of negative input is similar to finding a the source of a leak, or trying to identify a foul odor in your home. None of the strategies I recommend next will be effective until you start identifying and ultimately eliminating the sources of colorist narratives.

On the other hand, identifying current or potential sources of positive input and increasing your exposure to them is a strategy that will boost the effectiveness of other strategies that I recommend.

The one key to this strategy that people underestimate is the quantity of input and the quantity of time it could take to see significant progress. I always say that we’re swimming up stream, swimming against the tide, running into the wind when we’re trying to deprogram harmful cultural narratives. If it feels effortless, it’s probably not very effective.

This is more than enough to hold you over until next week when I share some of the more novel tools and tactics you can use!

Reflection & Action

It’s straightforward: Follow the steps in this blog post!

Affirmation

I notice my thoughts, feelings, and behavior patterns, but I do not have to identify with them. I can choose different thoughts and behaviors, and I can affect my own emotional state. I commit to the process of unlearning skin tone bias for however long it takes.

It’s one thing to argue that skin color preference is socially conditioned. It’s another thing to clarify why that matters. I wrote a post years ago called “Preference or Prejudice” that I want to cite and expound on this week. But I want to put greater focus on what’s next once we understand the roots of those preferences.

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It’s not “Just” a Preference

I actually think the word “preference” is fine and valid to use. My only pushback is with the word or the attitude that it’s “just” a benign, coincidental, natural or biological, innocent, trivial preference.

It’s true that we all have preferences. It’s also true that most, if not all, of our preferences are conditioned. Even if we weren’t directly conditioned, our parents or ancestors were conditioned and we inherit their conditioned responses. It’s called epigenetic memory.

Most people who are biased or bigoted don’t experience themselves that way. They feel it as a preference. So I say: Yes, you can have a preference, and your preference can be colorist. You can have a racist, sexist, homophobic, fatphobic and colorist preference.

Imagine a school teacher saying:

I just prefer to teach white students. No offense. I’m not racist. I don’t have anything against Black students. I just prefer not to teach them.

Imagine a neighbor saying:

We just prefer not to have any Black or Brown neighbors. We prefer to live in all white subdivisions only.

Most of us would classify those statements as racist. So wouldn’t a statement like: I just prefer light skin chicks, also be colorist?

What, Exactly, is Conditioning?

I first learned about conditioning, as in “classical conditioning,” in my intro to psychology course in college. What it boils down to is that animals, including humans, can be trained/conditioned to associate one thing with another unrelated thing if they’re repeatedly exposed to both of those things simultaneously.

The concept was developed with dogs salivating when they heard a bell because they came to associate the bell with food, simply because the scientist rang a bell every time they fed the dogs. But it could have been anything, They could have used bird sounds, a jack hammer, nails on a chalkboard. The sound is completely random, but by strategically pairing it with food, the dogs were trained so that the sound of a bell triggered their instinctive appetite.

Other scientists have replicated this using mice and electric shock, for example. Over time, researchers found that the offspring of animals who received a certain type of conditioning also exhibited the same behavior even though the offspring themselves had never received that direct conditioning.

Dr. Joy Degruy brings this home with her research on the Post Traumatic Slave Syndrome.

Sources of Social Conditioning

So what are the ways we’re collectively conditioned to have these type of preferences?

Our parents, caregivers, or extended family are usually our first teachers. In many cases they explicitly teach colorism. Other times, they implicitly teach it with their own choices and lifestyle or with more subtle comments. There’s also the case of them simply not doing anything to counter mainstream conditioning, which is my next point.

Outside of the immediate home, and also the place where our parents and family got their conditioning from, is the larger society and mainstream media of all forms. Here I’m not just including movies and TV shows. I’m also including radio, print media, including newspapers, school textbooks, billboards, product packaging… literally everything.

And through extreme violence, White Europeans dominated all of these forms of conditioning for generations, for centuries. And they utilized them as frontline weapons to assert and maintain their violent regimes.

Which brings me to why being brutally honest about our preferences really matters so much.

Why the Source of Skin Color Preference Matters

When we can acknowledge how our skin color preferences came to be, we must then acknowledge that choosing to maintain, uphold, or promote those preferences is doing the work of white violence.

The other reason this matters is that highlights that we have the option to RE-program, to RE-condition our minds. We are blessed with neuroplasticity and can unlearn, relearn, retrain and ultimately liberate our minds.

Affirmation:

I have the choice and the power to liberate my own mind.

I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn’t see how every sign pointed straight to you

That every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like Northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

Rascal Flatts, “God Bless the Broken Road”

I’m continuing the conversation I started last week (but that’s really been a lifetime coming). I talked about being a single dark-skinned Black girl, reflecting mainly on my childhood and young adulthood context. Today I want to reflect more on my adult life, being a single dark skinned Black woman. Where we at now??

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Disclaimer: THIS ain’t THAT

I feel the need to give a disclaimer upfront, especially if you watched last week’s conversation. This is not one of those: I thought I’d never get married, but surprise! I found the man of my dreams and now we’re happily married with kids!! And you, too, can have the same fairytale ending!!! Just keep the faith! If it happened for me, it can happen for you too!!

I can’t offer that kind of story.

But I do have a love story to tell.

It’s Not Just About Marriage

I mentioned last week how I always assumed “it” would happen. When I was growing up I assumed “it” would happen as effortlessly as puberty. That if I just kept living long enough, I would suddenly one day be in a relationship. I want to clarify what I meant by “it” because I think a lot of people probably assumed I was talking about marriage. I wasn’t. I was talking about dating, a romantic relationship, boyfriend/girlfriend, etc. Not even marriage.

While my peers all around me were dating and getting boyfriends and girlfriends as early as middle school, I didn’t go on my first date until I was about 21. And it wasn’t great, so there was no second.

While many of my peers were in committed relationships or even getting married in their twenties, I did not identify anyone as my “boyfriend” until I was 33. We were long distance the entire time, so I still felt and lived very solo. I ended it after about 45 days.

I claimed a second “boyfriend” at age 34. Also blah. I ended it after 4 months.

So in my almost 37 years of living, I’ve been in a relationship for a total of 5-6 months.

So when I say I know this single life, I mean I really really know this single life.

And when people have tried to encourage me (more on that later) by saying I’ll find a husband some day, I’ve often thought or replied: Kinda hard to get a husband when you’re not even dating.

But It’s Still a True Love Story

Go ahead and click off now if you’re not looking for a self-love story, cus that’s very much what this is.

When I was in the deepest stages of depression (just generally, not about relationships really) the first thought or voice I heard immediately when I woke up in the morning was: “I can’t do this.”

After years of inner work, therapy, and affirmations, I woke up one morning and the very first thought I heard was:

“I love you.”

That day catalyzed in me a new level of understanding that I could be in love without being in love with someone (else). It sparked the idea that I could simply be in love with myself, I could be in love with my life and with life in general. I started to understand that the “in love” feeling was merely an emotional state, just like any other emotional state, and wasn’t actually necessitated by external circumstances.

I am in love.
I am deeply, profoundly in love.
Just not the way society assumes I should be.
I’ve actually never been in love in that way.

But that day was only the beginning. The negative relationship experiences I later had in my mid-thirties clarified my vision of love even more deeply. That 2-year period was like the capstone course in self love. Or the Olympic trials of self love. Like: Are you really ready?? Sure, you’ve done a lot of work and learned a lot and evolved and grown and cultivated self love, but are you really ready to put that into action? To put it into practice when it really counts??

Those lessons have had ripple effects throughout every facet of my life, far beyond romantic prospects. It made me realize I was worthy of the career and the life I want. It made me realize I didn’t have to settle in any area of my life. And that I’d rather be out on my own than tied to a relationship, job, location, or lifestyle that I was not in love with. I’d rather fly solo than have my wings clipped for the sake of fitting in.

Living the Life of My Dreams

I would measure every potential relationship based on how it compares to my solitude.

There’s really no competition.

It helps that I’m introverted, but there’s no one’s company I enjoy more than my own.

I love people, but I’m not waiting on anyone to start living. I’m not waiting on anyone to join my in my adventure of a life. I’ve always been that girl going places and doing things solo because I wasn’t going to keep myself from things I enjoyed and desired to do simply because others weren’t interested in joining me. And we are seeing more and more dark-skinned Black women really embracing this.

As of January 2022, I’m doing more of that at an even larger scale, and I’ve never been happier.

When I think of dating and relationships now, the thought is bland and boring to me. Am I jaded? Probably. Have a spoiled myself for all other relationships? Probably. And I’m only halfway joking.

“I couldn’t see how every sign pointed straight to you.”

I believe our cultural conditioning to always be seeking and searching outside and away from ourselves is part of the conspiracy to control and dominate us.

I mentioned last week that as I better understand astrology, I do believe it’s some people’s destiny in this life to be wives or husbands or to pursue the romantic relationship path. I do think it’s insidious that our cultures make us think that has to be everyone’s path, but for plenty of people that is their story.

This is mine:

Every inner and outer experience I’ve ever had was God bringing me back home to myself. It’s always been me. I’m the one I was searching for. I think I’ve finally found her.

I don’t know if my ultimate destiny is staying single or not, staying unattached or partnering in some way in the future. However, I feel confident that it’s not my destiny to pursue a partnership.

I’ve been wanting to talk about being a single, dark-skinned girl for awhile now, but I struggled to organize my thoughts on the topic and pinpoint what exactly I had to say about it. It’s also a vulnerable topic for me, and I wasn’t sure I was ready to publicly engage this subject, even though I’ve skimmed the surface a bit in my recent content.

But my top core value is courage, so I understand that even though I might have butterflies in my stomach at the thought of discussing this topic, I have to honor that inner pull to speak about it. It’s as if this subject has been tugging at me, and the more I try to delay, the more insistent the tugging gets.

So this week, I’m simply going to start. I’m not putting any pressure on myself to have some kind of manifesto or profound takeaways. I’ll simply start the conversation. And where I want to start is by reflecting on my girlhood and young adulthood.

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Conditioned to Pine for Romance

Every single movie and TV show, even those made for kids, either has romantic love as the central plot or a subplot. And it’s not just the inclusion of romance in the story, it’s the pining for romance in these stories that trains us from early ages to understand romance as not simply one of many everyday human experiences, but rather as the Holy Grail of human existence.

I do find that books or novels are less likely to have such a heavy focus on romantic relationships, but it’s frequently in books too.

And when we listen to music, there’s even more obsession with romantic love, or the absence of it, or the loss of it, or the longing for it. The themes are always the same: so lonely without someone to love, so lost without you, I can’t live without your love, my life began when I met you…

What would happen if we started paying attention to other experiences? Other kinds of relationships? Especially the one with ourselves?

But colorism results in a difficult tension when none of the people in these love stories look like you! In many cases, not only is the principle love interest light, mixed, white, non-Black, etc. she’s also pitted against another character, an antagonist, who does look like you. When you do see a character who resembles you, she’s often portrayed as undesirable or as the outright enemy.

In those rare times where I a girl or woman who looked like me could be the center of the love story, I clung to that representation, dearly, and cherished it.

The Most Potent Social Validation

Oh, but it’s not just the media that we get it from! It’s definitely emphasized by the people all around us, young and old, no matter their gender, their relationship status, or their relationship to us.

I can’t even think of where to begin providing examples of the things people say and do to reinforce this, but here are a few you might recognize:

• So when are you gonna get married?
• Don’t you think it’s bout time to cut the cake?
• You need a man! This is usually said as a rebuke because you show up or speak up in a way that the other party disapproves of.
• I got a man! This is typically said as proof that you’re good, okay, happy, valid, worthy, better, etc.
• Men don’t want a woman with/who/that… [anything not sanctioned by the patriarchy].
• That’s why you’ll always be… single, never get married, never find a man, always be along, etc. And it’s said as if this would be the most horrible punishment for not being good enough, and it’s also said as a rebuke or curse because you show up or speak up in a way that the other party disapproves of.
• The prevalence of “singles groups” that are solely focused on how to not be single rather than how to be single or living your best life as a single person.
• She just mad cus she… single, don’t have a man, nobody wants her, etc. Very often used to discredit women like me who speak up about colorism. Here I must emphasize the importance of not playing into this, not validating this harmful criticism by offering that you are in fact in a relationship as proof to legitimize your arguments against colorism. I actually heard a very popular YouTuber say she hasn’t been speaking out about colorism as much because she has a man now… That’s extremely problematic and harmful and counterproductive to all of us who work so hard to educate people about the gravity of this issue.

The Influence of Colorism on Being a Single, Dark-Skinned Girl

So, this patriarchal obsession with romantic partnerships and marriage is definitely layered and entangled with colorism. It’s established long before girls are even of dating age, which ones will be most valued on the dating and marriage market, and which ones would need to prepare themselves to be single or work hard to compensate for what they lack in desirability.

I’ve spoken about how my mother told me a story about my sister and me as young girls, around 7 and 5 respectively. Older women were saying how my sister was gonna “break some hearts one day,” and my mom heard me say to myself: That’s cus she’s light skin. Even at age 5 I understood the role that colorism played in desirability politics. The conversation these women were having about my older sister was just one of many instances reinforcing that game.

I mentioned earlier the severe misrepresentation or simply the lack of representation of dark-skinned girls and women in love stories.

There’s also the subtle and the direct messages passed on between generations within families about who to marry and who to avoid marrying or partnering with at all costs. And again, these messages are taught even to children before they’re even thinking about dating: Because you’re so dark, you must not marry a Black man, otherwise your children will definitely come out dark.

And then of course there’s the direct insults and rejection among children and young adults themselves, explicitly saying how they refuse to “date dark” or explicitly “prefer light/mixed/Latina” etc.

Part of my personal experience also entails a common pattern I see for other dark-skinned girls too, Erica Campbell’s daughter for example, is seeing our own fathers and other men in our family prefer light or non-Black women.

For me, I definitely internalized the colorism when it came to dating. I mentioned this during a previous live stream, and some people got flustered. But it’s true. From my perspective, after all I’d observed and experienced, I had no reason to think anyone would date me…

And yet… For some reason I thought it would just happen, as naturally as puberty, that my someone, somewhere, someday would come…

I stopped waiting.

I stopped looking.

I stopped expecting.

I stopped hoping.

Reflection:

What have you been taught, directly or indirectly, about romance, relationships, etc.? How much of it feels good or authentic to you now?

Affirmation:

I am enough by myself.

This week’s conversation was partly inspired by a Thursday Thoughts newsletter I wrote awhile back. Someone asked me during a live stream: “How are you so confident?” Or something along those lines. I pondered it for a bit, and came to an interesting conclusion. I’m probably not the first person to think of it this way, but I’m sharing it here based on my personal experience as a potential pathway to greater confidence for dark skin folks. It can really apply to anyone, but I’m speaking specifically and directly to my dark-skinned siblings.

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I Understand the Struggle

I hear so many influential people say that they’ve always felt confident and have always felt absolutely great about themselves and everything they do. When it comes to self-esteem and self-confidence, a lot of folks have the “I woke up like this” perspective. That’s great for them, but it’s not helpful for people who do struggle with confidence or self-esteem.

When I started teaching English, I realized that my previous struggles with grammar and punctuation helped me understand and explain grammar and punctuation in ways that others who also struggle could better understand. What clicked for me turned into a strategy that helped make it click for my students as well. The folks who had a natural knack for grammar and punctuation were never helpful to me because they always seemed to have holes or gaps in their explanations. Things they could take for granted or simply assume, I could not take for granted or simply assume.

I thin that analogy applies to the question of self-confidence.

What I’m about to share is from the perspective of someone who had to work at it, had to put conscious, intentional, and dedicated effort into gaining confidence. So I’m not going to simply to tell you: “Just be confident! You have to be confident and believe in yourself.”

I’m here to show you how to do that. That said, I’m only sharing one strategy. There are other “how to” tips I can share in the future, and you can also work with me 1-on-1 or in my small group coaching. But this one tactic I’m sharing today is a game-changer. It’s my number 1 piece of advice for building confidence in yourself.

Challenges to Confidence

I think challenges to confidence are varied, but they ultimately boil down to a couple of things:

1. Previous judgement or criticism. In the past, you might have been told directly or indirectly that you’re not good enough. Or you might have been harshly criticized or laughed at for doing something or for simply existing. This can seep into your subconscious, especially if it was a recurring message you received.
2. Fear of potential judgement or criticism.

What I find fascinating is that these things can deflate your confidence even if they did not happen directly to you. If you witness someone else get teased, laughed at, criticized, shunned, etc. it sends a message to everyone in the group (society) that it’s not safe to do/be certain things.

If you see another dark-skinned person get teased for their complexion, it can make you want to shrink and cause you to avoid drawing attention to yourself.

All the criticism people throw at natural hair and people who wear natural hair is definitely a reason most of us are too scared to even try it.

If you hear someone say: “She know she too Black to be wearing that loud lipstick.” it can deter you from ever wearing that kind of lipstick, even though that specific criticism was not intentionally aimed at you.

SIDE NOTE: This does remind me of the passive aggressive tactic to criticize someone else who does the same thing you do as a subversive way to take a dig at you.

Humans as social creatures have evolved ways of policing ourselves and each other. So much of our collective struggle with confidence is a direct result of this kind of social policing.

Courage Before Confidence

Courage is the gateway to confidence. Don’t wait to feel confident. Instead, exercise the courage to start, to practice, and to keep trying. Exercise courage in one area often enough, and the confidence will come.

You can trigger a courage–confidence loop. As you exercise more courage, you build more confidence, and as you build your confidence, you become more courageous.

For most of my life, I think people have misrecognized or misidentified me as a confident person, when really I was a courageous person. I believe it was simply a matter of mislabeling, except for that one time a classmate named it out loud.

I am so much more confident now that I have ever been. But that’s on the backend of years of intentionally and consciously exercising courage.

You Shouldn’t Be Confident About Everything

In my Thursday Thoughts email, I used the example of someone asking me to swim across Lake Pontchartrain. A year after writing that email, I still do not feel confident about attempting that. And I shouldn’t. As it stands with my current level of swimming abilities, I would die trying.

But I had the courage to take swimming lessons as an adult at my university’s super cool rec center while I was in grad school. It took courage to try to learn swimming as an adult, but especially doing so at a public pool with college students walking by. I still can’t swim across… anything, yet, but I’m a little more confident about being in the water.

But I’m completely confident writing a blog post or making a TikTok! These are both things I actually practiced and got good at. I’m also fairly confident doing live streams and interviews. Also due to plenty of opportunities to practice.

What You Can Learn to Always Be Confident About

This is not an all-inclusive list, but there are other parts of life and self that you can always be confident about:

• That you can learn, grow, improve, try, practice, work hard, make progress, keep going, change, and get better.
• You are worthy. You are valuable. You are enough.
• You have choice. You have agency. You have power.

The Courage to Confidence Strategy:

1) Get more specific about what exactly you lack confidence about.

The more specific you are, the easier it is to take action to increase confidence in that area. Even if you say: “I’m not confident in how I look,” get more specific than that. If it’s multiple things, list them all out in your journal.

2) Get clear about whether it’s something you should already be confident about.

If you’re lacking confidence about speaking in front of people, ask yourself: Have I clarified and organized my ideas? Have I practiced? If the answer is NO, then let yourself off the hook. No need to feel confident yet. Get to work. Write your speech. And practice. However, if the answer is YES, then proceed to step 3.

To elaborate on the example of not feeling confident in how you look, you can ask yourself questions like: Have I taken care of basic things like bathing and brushing my teeth? Have I done my part to pick clothes I like to wear? Etc.

3) Find a tiny opportunity to test out courage!

Go as tiny as you need to. I like the loud, bright colors example since so many dark-skinned people have struggled with this one. Maybe your tiny act of courage is simply looking at other dark-skinned people wear bright colors boldly. That’s right. Your tiniest act of courage doesn’t even have to involve you going anywhere near that thing you’re afraid to do. There’s research that says just like peer pressure can discourage us, it can also encourage us. Start exposing yourself to and surrounding yourself with people who are doing the thing you want to be more confident about.

Then maybe a next step is to try on some bright colors in private. Then a few days or weeks later, maybe you actually choose one of the bright colors to buy and bring home! And then one day you put it on at home and wear it around the house all day. Repeat that a few times. And then get a little more audacious over time until you’re wearing a loud neon green dress with hot pink lipstick on a national talk show speaking to millions of viewers.

Okay, maybe that doesn’t sound appealing to you right now, but you get the point!

4) Keep exercising courage even when your fears come true.

This is a hard part of the Courage to Confidence  strategy, but don’t jump off the train before you get to where you’re headed.

Reflection

Try the Courage to Confidence strategy. You can do part 1 and even part 2 within the next couple of days! Go ahead! Have the courage to start!!

Affirmation

I exercise the courage to start. I can find the strength to try. I can be brave enough to begin.

Continuing my focus on love for dark skin and love for dark skinned people, I’m elaborating on some of the practices and habits I recommended in a previous post. Healing from colorism doesn’t just happen and it doesn’t just happen over night. Think of colorism healing less as a destination that you get to or a task you complete, and think of it more as change in your everyday habits or a change in your lifestyle.

Watch, Listen, or Scroll to Read More

Habit 1: Write Specific Affirmations For Yourself.

You don’t actually have to start writing them yourself. You can simply start by collecting affirmations and quotes written by others that resonate with you.

Last week, I shared a few to get you started.

And for a more in depth guide to starting an affirmation practice, I have a Self-Affirmation workbook coming soon!

The key here is that your affirmations should be more specific to you. So rather than: I am beautiful.

Try: I am beautiful without comparison. My beauty is not based on where I am, who I’m with, or who notices it. My beauty is always inherent, even when my hair is not newly done. My beauty is evident, no matter what I’m wearing or how much makeup I have on. I am learning to see just how beautiful every part of me truly is.

That said, the best thing you can do is to simply start. If starting with the simple, 3-word I Am ___ affirmations get’s you into the habit, lean into it! That’s actually how I started, and then my style of affirmations evolved over time.

Habit 2: Do Photo Studies of Yourself.

Susan Sontag wrote: “photography has succeeded in somewhat redefining for everybody definitions of what is beautiful and ugly” and that “photographs alter and enlarge our notions of what is worth looking at.”

You are worth looking at.

You can start by gathering existing photos of yourself. Old photos, baby photos, current photos, doesn’t matter. Start collecting them.

You can begin to just browse and observe. Just look.

Then, keep looking.

Overtime, you might want to arrange the photos in some way–chronologically, by theme, mood, location, etc. Then keep looking.

Overtime, you might want to make a collage, or write descriptions, or affirmations, or letters, or poems to/for each photo.

Another version or aspect of this habit is to get comfortable photographing yourself. A photo study would be photographing yourself for the purpose of curiosity, discovery, and experimentation, not to present a specific image or to look “cute” or whatever. Your goal is to simply explore how you look in various poses, from various angles, in various spaces, in various kinds of lighting, or from one day to the next, etc.

No judgment. Just pure curiosity and discovery.

You can add a journal practice to this to document thoughts, feelings, and memories that come up throughout this process. Months later, look back over your notes and observe any shifts or changes.

Habit 3: Improve Your Media Diet.

The anti-colorism media diet has a simple equation:

Add dark skin affirming content
Subtract colorist content

This, too, will be a gradual process. You’ll start to unfollow, unsubscribe, turn off, stop watching, stop listening to more and more colorist content over time and it will make a difference.

Adding in more dark skin affirming content will also be a gradual process. Unfortunately, that’s largely due to the scarcity of such content. But the growth of the internet has made it a lot easier than when I was growing up as teenager.

You’ll probably find it easier to find this type of content on social media, blogs, etc. than on TV or movies. You can also add books! But wherever you start to find it, soak it in!

Habit 4: Adjust Boundaries in Your Relationships

This habit is a little more complex because it’s the one that directly involves other people. But it is a life-changing habit.

Boundaries don’t always have to be all-or-nothing. Think of boundaries more as a faucet. You can shut it off completely. You can open it for maximum flow. Or you can modulate it somewhere in-between.

The first step is to recognize where boundaries are needed. You can start journaling about experiences with people that make you feel bad, sad, sick, angry, etc. What was it about the experience that triggered this emotion? Do they call you at 2:00am for petty stuff? Do they show up at your home without calling first? Do they say colorist things or behave in colorist ways? Do they invade your personal space in ways you don’t like?

The second step is to communicate the boundary. Do this a firm, confident way. Let them know you’re serious. Depending on the relationship, you may have to be more or less “stern” in your tone or approach. You can choose whether or not you explain why, but you don’t have to.

Step three is to observe how they react or respond to you asserting a boundary. To start with, do they immediately get defensive or dismissive as soon as you talk to them about it? But also, do they actually respect the boundary going forward?

The fourth step is extremely important but it can be extremely hard if you haven’t built up your healthy boundary muscles. You must commit to maintaining and protecting your boundaries without compromise. Self-betrayal happens when we let down our boundaries out of fear, guilt, codependency, etc. And self-betrayal is roadblock to self-love.

Step five is to periodically self-reflect and reassess whether certain boundaries can be adjusted. I warn against adjusting boundaries in the heat of the moment (see step 4). Only adjust a boundary after intentional self reflection with yourself, maybe in consultation with a counselor or therapist, and ample evidence that it’s time to adjust.

Some boundaries need to be permanent. Others can be used like a cast on a broken arm. Firm and solid to protect yourself while you heal and rebuild strength, but not needed for the long haul.

But speaking of therapists, I am not one. This is not professional mental health advice. It’s simply tips based on what’s worked for me personally, what I’ve learned from others, and what has helped my coaching clients.

Affirmation

You deserve to invest in yourself. You deserve to invest in your healing. You are worth the time and effort that healing takes. You are worthy of feeling, having, and getting better over time. And you can do it. Only you have the power to heal yourself. You do have that power. I hope you recognize it.

My Instagram live stream for this week falls on Valentine’s Day! While I’ve never really made a big deal of this day, I felt inspired to celebrate with my audience this year by dedicating my entire live to showing love for dark skin people, especially women, girls, and femmes. Below are the prepared affirmations I share, but be sure to watch the recording to hear the affirmations I read from my audience in the live chat!

I’ve broken these affirmations into 5 categories: Personality, Goals & Ambitions, Mind, Body, and Relationships

Watch, Listen, or Scroll to Read More

Personality

I don’t need to hide behind an illusion or facade. I’m ready to choose personal expressions, styles, words, behaviors, strides and struts that feel most true to what I choose to be in the moment.

I am able to see past the delusions of oppressive standards and oppressive norms. As I am seeing the truth more clearly, I am empowered with choice, and I am choosing ME. I am empowered with choice, and I am choosing me. I am choosing all of me, the truest idea of me that I have in this moment always.

I never have to impress, unless I find joy in doing so. I never have to perform, if I don’t find pleasure in that. Yes, I can shape shift, but on my own terms.

I am seeing the many possibilities of how and who I can be, and I get to choose the one that feels most truest to me!

Goals & Ambitions

I have power, control, and authority within myself, within my individual domain of life. I am an excellent leader of my life and of myself, and that leads to my success. I do have the power to overcome and be triumphant over my obstacles.

I also have the strategy, the clarity, and strength of choice to successfully pursue my ambitions in any arena.

I invite the highest forms of success that in truest alignment with my highest value, my highest truth, and my integrity.

Mind

I am gaining courage and gaining confidence in exploring new ideas, new possibilities for myself. I do not have to be stuck in the rut of my old thinking. I am breaking free, continuing to learn about me and all that inspires me.

I am exercising patience in this new adventure of exploring the possibilities. I don’t rush my process. I lean into it and appreciate the new insights I discover. With practice, I’m getting mentally stronger and learning how to direct, calm, and train my brain to work with and for me, not against me.

When I’m ready, I can bravely and confidently share my ideas with others and continue to learn and explore and grow in that process as well.

Body

I relax now. I now relax my body. I am now feeling relaxed in my body in my skin.

My skin is not a burden right now. No matter what narratives others have about it, my skin is not the burden.

I feel the absolute luxury of my melanated skin. I pamper and care for my skin like the finest of fabrics.

I celebrate all of the dark skinned mothers who gave birth to dark skinned descendants.

My dark skin right now is a source of comfort.

No matter what narratives others may have, my hair is not something to be ashamed of. I delight in the luxurious texture of my hair. I celebrate my hair’s ability to grow from the deepest roots, roots deeper than even I can know. I care for and pamper my hair like the finest of fabrics. It’s a textile woven with the DNA of my beautify ancestry.

I am learning to love my complexion n every season, at every time of day, in every kind of light–bright, dark, or dim. I am learning the hues that saturate my melanin. I am becoming intimate with every crease, freckle, scar, vein, mole, shadow, every pore of my skin. I admire how my skin stretches, sags, shimmers, dimples, wrinkles, in all the right places!

I can show up. I am here. I can be seen and not shrink. My beauty, worth, value always shines even if others shield their eyes.

I deserve love. I am love. I can experience love at any moment I choose because it’s a vibration, not a romantic relationship.

Relationships

I raise my standards in all relationships. What I have and who I am is extremely valuable and I am getting better at discerning who is deserving of that, of my time, energy, and attention, of me.

I know that prioritizing and caring for myself and my needs is essential, so I implement and maintain the boundaries I need. I know that caring for others requires caring for myself. So I exercise saying maybe later, not now, NO, and never.

I know that just because someone requests or even demands anything of me doesn’t mean I’m obligated to respond, much less give. This includes lighter skinned, non-Black, and white people who seem entitled to my labor.

I am getting so good and so solid with and within me, that it gets easier and easier for me to rise above the fray, and it gets harder and harder for petty vampires to siphon my time, energy, and attention.

I honor all the work I’ve done on myself by not letting lower vibes cause me to regress. As a dark skin Black woman, I am unapologetically prioritizing me, myself, and I!

Continuing from last week’s conversation about the impact of colorism on self-esteem for dark-skinned girls and women, I’m spending the next few weeks, all of February, to elaborate on cultivating self love for dark-skinned women and girls. I’m kicking it off with the idea of learning to love your dark skin.

Micro Self-Love vs. Macro Self-Love

I’m starting with one specific feature (micro-self-love) rather than the concept of loving yourself for all that you are in total (macro-self-love).

It’s possible to have both, to have neither, and to have one but not the other. You can love yourself (macro) but struggle to love your hair texture (micro). Vice versa, you can love your hair texture (micro) but struggle to feel worthy overall (macro).

They can both be a gateway to the other. And while there’s no prescribed way to begin, I think learning to love your dark skin is an especially salient place to start in the context of colorism.

Watch, Listen, or Scroll to Keep Reading

Ego is Not a Healer

I have a feeling I’ll be saying this a few more times. In order to heal, you have to surrender the ego. It has a purpose in human existence, but it’s not your friend in the healing process. Your ego will sabotage your healing every chance it gets because your healing is a direct threat to your ego. They’re like arch rivals.

Unfortunately, your ego has the upper hand because it’s also your comfort zone. It’s the face you’re most familiar with. It has kept you “safe” from so many things. It has given you the shallow validation that our culture values:

• Oh, you’re not weak like her
• Well, at least I’m doing better than that
• I’ve got it all together, so it’s only everyone and everything else that’s the problem
• At least I have…
• I’m too cool and too fly for this

Let. It. Go.

Understand the Obstacles to Loving Your Dark Skin

I’m a firm believer in taking the time to actually understand a problem before we jump in to try and solve it. Even when we have a solid understanding of colorism as a social phenomenon, we still need to examine the particular ways it relates to us and impacts us specifically on the individual level. This includes not just how it has harmed us, but also looking at how we internalize and perpetuate it.

So here’s a place to start on this. Get a journal and start free writing in response to these questions.

• Do you actually see dark skin as ugly, unappealing, or unattractive?
• Or do you perceive it as a chain that limits your potential? Do you perceive it as an obstacle or barrier to getting what you want, whether it’s love, attention, affection, opportunity, dreams, etc.?
• How do you feel about your dark skin vs. dark skin on other people or in general?
• Is it tied to childhood trauma, family or generational trauma and abuse?
• Does it stem from outside messaging like media, peers at school, or others in the community?

But really get a journal, sit, and write. If you’re just reading and skimming these questions, maybe you’re only able to dip your toe in the pool of healing for right now. But when you’re ready to jump in, you’re going to need a journal or something to externalize your thoughts and experiences and get them outta your head and into a medium where you can better observe, track, and respond to them.

Imagine What Loving Your Skin Would Be Like

This is the other side of the coin that a lot of people neglect in their efforts to heal. Processing the past, looking at the pain, and examining the wound is a critical part the healing process. But it can be easy to focus on that part exclusively or to think you have to have that part figured out before you can dare to dream of something better.

Now, I’ll be the first to acknowledge that a lot of times hope hurts. When you’ve constantly been disappointed, it can be so hard to let yourself dream. It can feel viscerally scary to dare to dream.

It feels like: I better not get my hopes up again. And you have the memory of all the times in the past when other people, seemingly the universe itself, has scoffed at your dreams, laughed at your audacity to think that your desires are possible.

That’s part of the heartbreak of colorism. You hear people say that it’s hard to open your heart to love again if you’ve been heartbroken in the past.

Whenever we dare to dream, we are stepping into a very vulnerable place. If our dreams have often been dashed in the past, we can resist opening ourselves up to that vulnerable place ever again. So we take on a very jaded, pessimistic, and disillusioned view of ourselves, our lives, and the world.

So knowing this, here’s a place to start on this aspect of healing. This can be done in your journal as well. To help manage the sense of vulnerability, keep it private. You never have to share any of this process.

• What emotions would you have if you loved your complexion?
• How would you dress or style yourself?
• What kind of relationships would you have?
• What kinds of conversations would you have with people in your life? Would you speak differently?
• Would you move differently?
• Would your career path change? Would your leisure time be different?

Start Practicing Your Self-Love Habits

The journaling processes I shared above will unlock and shift things for you on their own. But most people have to go beyond the self-reflection to really unlearn their internalized colorism.

I call these kinds of activities “self-love habits” so that we understand this is an ongoing process. Just like grooming yourself or brushing your teeth in order to have good oral hygiene, we also need self-love habits to develop and maintain healthy self-esteem. We don’t shower once and expect to stay clean for the rest of our lives. So let’s take the same mindset we have for our physical hygiene and health and apply it to our psychological and spiritual wellbeing.

I’m also not going to get super specific or all-inclusive here because these habits have to be yours. Consider your lifestyle, your context, your interests, and your personality. There are as many different habits and approaches to these habits are there are types of people in the world.

I’m coming back to this, so I just want to give you a sample for now of some things you can start immediately.

3 Activities for Learning to Love Your Dark Skin

• Write specific affirmations about your skin.
• Do a photo study of yourself.
• Reduce your intake of colorist content.

Self-Reflection

Are you ready to start the process of learning to love your dark skin? What’s one action you can take today toward this goal?

Affirmation

I am preparing myself to remove the mask of ego and start my healing journey. It can be scary, but I can be brave.

The past two weeks, I’ve discussed colorism as explicit prejudice and colorism as implicit bias. This week, I want to talk about the impact of colorism on self esteem for dark skin girls.

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“show me someone not full of herself
and i’ll show you a hungry person”

Nikki Giovanni, “Poem For A Lady Whose Voice I Like”

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We most often talk about bias and prejudice as it pertains to our feelings about other people. But what happens when we internalize colorism and direct those prejudices and biases against ourselves?

I’ll also touch a bit on self-image, which has a lot to do with how you see yourself and your beliefs about how other people see you.

Some of what I share here will be a review of a previous post on internalized colorism.

Watch This Conversation LIVE or Scroll to Keep Reading

The Impact of Colorism on Ideas of Physical Beauty or Attractiveness

I’ll start here because it’s the most obvious and tends to get the most attention.

Dark-skinned girls who internalize colorism will perceive themselves as unattractive or less attractive than others. That distinction is important. Not every girl who internalizes colorism will see herself as ugly, but she may rate her beauty below others with more eurocentric features.

This self-perception may apply to their overall appearance or it may only apply to certain features that have been the target of ridicule, such as their skin tone specifically, or their hair texture, or their nose.

Another possibility is that they dislike a feature, not because it was explicitly ridiculed but because it was not explicitly praised in comparison to other people’s features that are praised. I think of eye color as a common example of this. It’s less common to criticize people for having dark brown eyes, as opposed to criticizing them for having dark brown skin. However, it is extremely common to compliment other people for having “pretty” eyes when their eyes are a lighter color.

Dark-skinned girls who internalize colorism in this way may express it with statements like: “I’m so ugly,” “I wish I was pretty like that,” “I don’t like my nose,” “I wish I had good hair,” “I wish I was light-skinned,” “I’d be cute if I wasn’t so dark,” or “I’m too dark to wear loud colors.”

But beyond verbally expressing it, they may exhibit certain behaviors, like avoiding the sun, avoiding certain colors, covering up their mirrors, wearing lighter shades of make up, bleaching their skin, wearing colored contacts, etc.

Lastly, I must also note that this can manifest not just in how they treat themselves or speak about themselves. Dark-skinned women dealing with internalized colorism will also criticize other women who look like them or who are darker than them, while also lavishing light-skinned, mixed-race, or non-Black women with compliments.

Colorism Leads to Negative Self-Worth and Limiting Beliefs

Not only might a dark-skinned girl or woman who’s internalized colorism struggle to perceive herself as “pretty,” or “beautiful,” or “attractive,” etc. but she may also struggle to believe she is worthy.

It’s true that not feeling pretty/beautiful often directly contributes to low self-worth, especially in a misogynist culture that values women according to how closely they match unattainable beauty standards. But self-worth goes much deeper than physical appearance.

Not perceiving yourself as pretty, might lead one to believe they’d never be on magazine covers or win a beauty pageant. However, a dark-skinned girl who struggles with overall worthiness will also believe she doesn’t deserve good things in general or that good things are not meant for her or that she is destined to have less in general, that she has to play small or limit herself or that she’s inherently limited by life circumstances.

This is not just relegated to things directly tied to being “pretty.” Overall low self-worth can result in tolerating abuse, not pursuing academic or career opportunities, struggling to make friends, assuming you will always lose and so never really trying, and so much more.

For example, a dark-skinned girl may be really intrigued by the science lesson being presented in class. But when the teacher asks for volunteers to demonstrate an experiment, she may keep herself from raising her hand because of the limiting belief that, I can’t do that. I’m probably just gonna mess it up. I’m not good enough to do that kind of thing. I’m not gonna be chosen anyway so why bother letting people know how much I want it.

And the same pattern can play out when she’s an adult and stops herself from being a go-getter in so many ways for fear of rejection and just general self-doubt.

I Don’t See Myself that Way, But it Hurts that Others Do – What Some Dark-Skinned Women Say

Sooo many dark-skinned women have explained this to me, but it’s something I’ve also felt most of my life.

While it seems this might be a better position to be in than the mindsets I discuss above, it very often has the same effect or outcome.

Dark-skinned women may still want to change their looks or limit their behaviors or refuse to try for what they want because they believe the negative perceptions and opinions of others necessitate that they do so.

In many cases, they have valid receipts for thinking this, such as employment discrimination, harassment from peers, profiling in stores or by cops, for example.

This has played out for me in dating on so many occasions, again not without ample evidence to suggest I might be right. I thought I was attractive enough and an overall damn great catch, but I didn’t believe guys saw me that way, particularly Black guys. The negativity from guys was so loud and direct, while any positive thoughts or feelings other guys may have had was radio silent. So based on the observable evidence I had, why even bother?

Compensating for Colorism – Coping Strategies for Dark-Skinned Girls

When I spoke about internalized colorism last year, I noted that colorism lead me to develop a narrative that I had to be “better” in other ways because I wasn’t going to get any “pretty points.”

I leaned into my intelligence, wittiness, charm, sense of humor, kindness, cleverness, generosity, talents and skills, and overall personality, thinking that would make up for whatever I imagined I was making up for.

And other dark-skinned women have shared similar testimonies while adding that they go out of their way to seem less “angry” or less “abrasive” or more “friendly” or “approachable.” There are also stories about dressing the part, looking the part, driving the car, buying the house, flaunting the spouse, etc.

There’s an added burden of proof that many of us feel. Like Black folks who say they have to be twice as good, dark-skinned women have often felt we had to be 3 times better in a lot of ways.

If you’re looking for a speaker or facilitator for your next colorism event, learn about Dr. Sarah Webb’s colorism keynotes and workshops.

Additional Points About Self-Esteem

No, not every dark-skinned girl has low self-esteem. Yes, there are plenty of light-skinned girls who have low self-esteem.

We all have intersectional identities that influence the degrees to which we may or may not struggles with self-esteem and self-worth. The vast majority of humans could use some healthy self-esteem work at some point in our lives because it’s not an all-or-nothing game. It’s not: “You either have it or you don’t.” It’s a matter of degrees.

Understanding the various reasons for low self-esteem is an important key to repairing and rebuilding self-esteem, as well as protecting self-esteem going forward for ourselves and for future generations. I focus on colorism, but it’s no different than people who focus on sizeism or ableism.

Self-Reflection

How full is your self-esteem meter right now? What has contributed to that? What are the things in your life that support your sense of worth?

Affirmation

I am a magnificent vessel for the abundant flow of spiritual love. I contain a healing spring of self love and self worth that is always available for me to tap into. I love myself first and bring my own full cup to all my other relationships. I fill my cup by cherishing and nurturing and deepening my relationship with myself.

Are you colorist and don’t even know it? Last week we discussed the explicit prejudice of colorism. Building on that conversation, let’s consider colorism as implicit bias.

“knowing what others may imagine they see when they look at us is necessary and critical information. Without this awareness, we behave as if our bodies and our color do not provoke a certain stereotype and initiate a particular response. And we turn over to others, who do not have our best interest at heart, the power of the image”

Karla F. C. Holloway, Codes of Conduct

Watch, Listen, or Scroll to Read More:

Defining Implicit Bias

Also known as “unconscious bias,” implicit bias refers to the negative or positive associations we have about certain people, places, or things that we are not aware we have and/or that happen automatically in our unconscious as the result of prior conditioning.

Implicit Bias Colorism Examples

When it comes to colorism, these are biases, attitudes, feelings, reactions we have toward people with certain skin tones, facial features, and hair textures.

Again, these can be positive or negative. So we can have an unconscious bias that associates straight hair with femininity, attractiveness, and professionalism, even if we consciously tell ourselves or consciously profess that all hair textures are beautiful and valid.

Another common implicit belief people have about skin tone is levels of aggressiveness, strength, or masculinity. While some people are automatically seen as tough, others are automatically seen as soft, approachable, or gentle.

Colorism Over Racism

In the mainstream conversations about implicit bias, people focus on race and racism. But I believe we need to prioritize colorism when discussing unconscious bias. That’s a controversial stance, but here’s why I stand by it.

1. Physical appearance is the first and primary indicator of race in most of our in-person interactions. With the exception of situations that involve prior disclosure of race, such as filling out a form or application that collects demographic information, humans identify racial categories based on how a person looks.
2. Yes, other factors may be involved, such as language, dialect, accent, or clothing. But if you consider all the times we have said things like: An Asian woman stopped by the office today. The white woman at the grocery story. The new Black kid in my class. How often did the person actually introduce themselves by their race? Probably never, but we surmise these racial categories by what the person looks like first, if not exclusively.
3. When we consider cases of being followed around or accused of stealing in a department store, or racial profiling by cops or police killings that happen in a span of just a few minutes, how do these store workers or officers know that a person is Black? Do they have time to check birth certificates? Do they take the time to ask how the person identifies? Nope! They simply judge automatically based on what they see, based on what that person looks like. It may include other things like mannerisms or how a person is dressed, but these additional factors are directly tied to the skin tone, features, and hair type of the person wearing a particular outfit.
4. It’s not that this type of profiling doesn’t happen to light-skinned people. But 1) it is less likely to happen, and 2) usually those light-skinned people are still easily identifiable as “not white” and/or Black because of other features or other variables.

Consequences of Implicit Bias

I’ll close by emphasizing the impact of unconscious bias. As my earlier examples about police encounters suggest, these types of bias lead to unjust persecution, discrimination, and even brutality and death.

But they also impact employment opportunities, equitable pay, job performance, schooling and education, healthcare, etc.

There’s not a facet of life untouched by implicit bias and colorism.

Reflection

Describe an interaction you’ve had in the past that involved implicit bias toward you, either positive or negative. What do you think is the best way to respond in situations like that?

Affirmation

Knowing what others may imagine they see when they look at me is a tool I can leverage in my favor. I don’t have to agree with or accept their perception, and knowing what it is and where it comes from gives me the perspective I need to shield me from internalizing their narratives.

Sometimes, colorism is very subtle. Other times, it’s glaring us in the face. That’s when colorism is expressed as an explicit prejudice.

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Many people have heard of “implicit bias,” which refers to the unconscious prejudice that we aren’t aware of. I’ll talk more about that next week.

But I want to start with identifying and understanding the explicit prejudice of colorism because 1) it’s easy for people just learning about this issue, and 2) we must remember that many people consciously choose colorism.

I’ve observed people trying to pacify themselves by saying “folks don’t know any better,” or “they’re just ignorant,” and “they don’t mean anything by it.” They do the same with race and other issues as well.

It’s as if there’s a desire to believe in universal innocence, (and the assumption that ignorance equals innocence is a different conversation). I also sense that it soothes their discomfort with the idea of oppression and systemic marginalization. And I’ve also seen people use it as a way to be okay with remaining friends/friendly with people who perpetuate harm.

But, let’s be real.

There are countless people who know good and well what prejudice and discrimination is and looks like, and they energetically engage in it. They delight in tearing others down. They willfully exclude others.

Oftentimes doing so gives them clout with others who are similar, or they can only feel big by trying to make others look small.

Examples of Colorism as Explicit Prejudice

As I write this, I keep thinking about those TikTok and YouTube “smash or pass” type of videos that rack up hundreds of thousands of views because of the sensationalism of Black boys dissing Black and dark-skinned girls.

But long before TikTok and even before YouTube, it was not uncommon to hear people make an explicit diss about someone’s dark skin tone.

As one dark brown Black girl said to me once: “Ew, you’re so Black!”

I considered typing out other specific examples, but I don’t want to perpetuate those negative images that have been so damaging to us for generations.

But beyond that kind of explicit name calling or dissing by youth, I also keep thinking about the explicit prejudice of adults. Those who invented and used the brown paper bag test, the blue vein test and blue vein societies, the comb test, and those who self-segregated from dark-skinned Black folks, told their kids to stay out of the sun and not to play with those Black kids, told their children to marry light or white, showed favoritism to the light-skinned family members while being mean to darker-skinned family…

So many explicit examples.

Roots of Explicit Colorism

These type of people willingly adopted prejudiced and discriminatory attitudes and behaviors because, yes they were brainwashed in a white supremacist society, but also because it benefited them.

For the Black boys, including the dark-skinned ones, who diss Black girls, especially dark-skinned Black girls, they benefit via the patriarchal hierarchy. As men, they implicitly understand that they can gain clout or leverage by stepping on dark-skinned black women and girls. What they miss, though, is that in doing so they also make themselves the footstools of white supremacist delusion.

For the light-skinned people of whatever gender who choose colorism, the benefits are obvious. They want to reinforce their color privilege.

For dark-skinned girls and women who choose colorism, I believe they perceive benefit in a couple of things:

1. Mitigating some of the negative attention or violence they might otherwise experience if they dared to be unapologetic in their own natural beauty or resist white supremacist delusion. But as you probably know, they don’t actually escape it. They simply participate in it.
2. Vicarious clout or status by being “friends” with, aligning with, or simply being in proximity to those in power. I believe the term is “pick me,” but I don’t really like the application of that term in this context. But it’s essentially the idea that they gain a bit more value, status, or importance by being accepted, chosen, or validated by those who have “even more” value or importance or status.
   • I’ve seen this play out rather tragically when dark-skinned girls (or women) pedestal light-skinned girls and accept that they’re only “accepted” because they enthusiastically validate the light-skinned girl’s “superiority.”

This dynamic often plays out in romantic choices as well for all genders and sexualities.

This is not meant to be an all-inclusive or definitive list of examples and reasons, but I hope it helps you think more about all the explicit forms of colorism you may encounter or observe.

Reflection:

How have you seen colorism as an explicit prejudice? Have you ever explicitly perpetuated a prejudice? What, if anything, changed your attitude or behavior?

Affirmation:

My value is inherent. I don’t have to hustle or perpetrate to prove my worth.

Happy New Year!!

I am one of those people who likes a rhyming mantra for the new year. These have worked much better for me than resolutions. Last year it was: Getting It Done in 2021. In a previous year, I simply focused on one word, like Courage.

I think they resonate more than resolutions because they’re motivational and inspirational, rather than restrictive or disciplinary (i.e. eat less sugar).

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New Mantra 2022

So for this year, I’m going with:

Make it Do What it Do in 2022.

Yeah, it might be a bit obvious, even cliche, but it truly fits. This is the first time ever in my life that I’m entering a new year 100% self-employed and following my bliss!

Self-Belief

Anyone who’s ever been self-employed or owned a small business knows how much work and commitment it takes, how resourceful you have to be, how often you have to feel the fear and do it anyway, how courageous and determined you have to be in order to fully step and show all the way up!!

I tried self-employment once before. I wanted to be a full-time freelance writer. This was in my early days of blogging, and right before I started Colorism Healing (though I had already been publishing posts about colorism on my other blog).

The biggest difference between then and now is my self belief, which I really started to build in 2020 and 2021. Two small but powerful things that helped me:

• A song: “Doubt” by Mary J. Blige
• Another rhyming mantra:

Follow All Hunches and Pull No Punches

That mantra was of utmost importance because I recognized my self-sabotaging energy of not really trying, of only giving partial effort, likely due to subconscious self-doubt.

The Wake Up Call

But I think it’s important to also talk about what really woke me up: I had a very brief but pretty bad relationship at the beginning of 2020. (It had to be that year, right??)

As I was getting away from that situation, I understood that as confident and successful as I had been, there was still a gaping whole in my self-image or self-concept or my self-narrative that was blocking my ultimate confidence and success. It made me cringe to think about what I was almost about to settle for.

That was really the catalyst for me to “take my power back,” as they say, and create the life I truly desire rather than settling for low-hanging fruits.

So, I have changed, and I have changed my life!

But what remains the same is my focus and dedication to Colorism Healing.

And I’m grateful that I’ve been doing the inner work that will allow me to show up in a way that more powerfully serves this mission.

Your Reflection:

What’s new for you in 2022? What remains constant?

Your Affirmation:

Everything before this moment is fuel for my journey ahead.

This week, I had the pleasure of chatting with a guest on my weekly live. She’s brilliant, real, and funny! Read her bio and Watch or Listen to our dialogue below.

BIO: Viva (Satirella) is a fourth year student at Cornell University who has a keen interest in social inequalities with a focus on colorism and the rise of skin bleaching products. Growing up in Ghana, West Africa, she noticed the differential treatment between dark skinned individuals like herself and their lighter skinned counterparts. Her tiktok platform seeks to bring awareness to this issue which many Africans deny or overlook, and has received some backlash as a result. Nonetheless, as she likes to say “ I have a mouth on me, and I am not afraid to use it!” She comes for anyone who comes at her sideways, and does not allow anyone to stop her from speaking her truth!

Watch, Listen, or Read more below.

The Colorism Healing Timeline:

• June 6, 1985: Born to a light-skinned mother from South Louisiana and a dark-skinned father, with a dark-skinned older brother, and a light-skinned older sister. My parents divorced early and my mom, my siblings, and I were, still are, very close and tight knit. My extended family also runs nearly the full gamut of phenotypes, very dark to very light, with varying hair textures and features. And I was raised in South Louisiana, experienced and witnessed colorism throughout childhood, especially in comparison to my lighter sister.
• Summer 2011: I had just graduated with an MFA in Creative Writing, and I was teaching 9th grade English in my hometown of Baton Rouge, LA. I started a blog called SL Writes in order to maintain a writing practice and have my own creative outlet.
• I posted about colorism for the first time when I saw a trailer for the Dark Girls documentary. I wasn’t using the term “colorism” yet. I used phrases like “skin color bias” or “skin tone bias.”
• As a result of my blogging, a podcast host, Dr. Culbreth who started The Intraracial Colorism Project, reached out to me to co-host and help her with her work. This was my introduction to the word “colorism.” This was also the first time I did anything like radio or podcasts. And these were also live! During this time, Soledad O’Brian released Who is Black in America, bringing the colorism conversation more main stream and introducing my to Yaba Blay and Kiara Lee.
• 2011-2013: I was deep into blogging culture, writing guest posts, freelance writing articles for Dig Magazine, ghostwriting blog posts, and I attended my first Blogging While Brown conference founded by Gina McCauley.
• I get initial fans of my blog, and realize that the work has international reach. In the very early days, two readers I communicated with most often were Black men from and living in Brazil. But others as well sent emails, hopped on phone calls, etc. Some are still around, like Stella Mpisi, a Black South African woman who emailed me very early on as well. And Jyoti Gupta of The Colourism Project.
• 2013: A few weeks after returning home from my first BWB conference, I decided to start a blog exclusively about colorism, what you now know as Colorism Healing. My intention was for it to be a hub of information and resources and ongoing conversation to raise awareness about colorism and to promote healing and solutions. I started with the half dozen posts about colorism from my first blog, and republished them as the starting point for the new website.
• I had already worked for Michael C. Bush and learned from him about Mission, Vision, and Values, so I established that from the outset and it hasn’t really changed since then! My wording has been slightly adjusted, but it’s basically been the same since 2013.
• 2013: After realizing that several people found my blog by searching for poems about colorism, I decided to host a poetry contest to generate poems about colorism. I reached out to some pretty famous people to be judges, including Sharon G. Flake, author of The Skin I’m In, and was pleasantly surprised when she and the others agreed!
• The website helps me realize that colorism would be my reason for going back to get my PhD. I had delayed applying until I knew what I wanted to study and knew what my focus would be. And colorism turned out to be it. So I apply, somewhat late in the game.
• 2014: The first contest is launched to a great success of over 300 submissions. It was fully self-funded.
• I’m told that I’ve made the waiting list for grad school at LSU. And over the summer I get accepted. But starting graduate school in the Fall of 2014, meant I couldn’t afford the time, finances, or resources to do another contest.
• 2015: I take most of the year off to focus on my doctoral program, so there’s no contest, and I only publish a few blog posts when I can find the time.
• 2016: I bring back the contest and start accepting essays as well as international submissions!
• Begin teaching colorism workshops and trainings at schools and in the local community.
• 2017: This time I use a GoFundMe campaign to help cover a chunk of the contest cost. First ever CHWC anthology is published (for 2014 and 2016)! I start my official CH Instagram account to promote it! I already had a Facebook page, but the start of my IG has proven to be a more consequential milestone.

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A post shared by Dr. Sarah L. Webb (@colorismhealing)

• 2017: Another contest and another anthology! I host the first ever live book launch!
• 2018: I successfully defend my dissertation and become Dr. Sarah L. Webb. I get hired by the University of Illinois Springfield for a tenure track faculty position in the Department of English and Modern Langauges. Graduation. Move to Illinois Another Contest and another anthology!
• 2019: Taking another long break from public posting to give myself time and space to adjust to the new occupation and new location. That first winter was rough!!
• Later that year, I start selling T-Shirts and merch! But I eventually stop promoting that too.
• 2020: I bring the contest back again with the help of a student intern who had taken my Intro to Creative Writing course the semester before. I keep learning and studying this social media, online content creation, media influencer biz.
• Then the world and I myself are completely changed forever…
• I go viral on TikTok. And my IG sees massive growth as well after years of hovering well below 4,000.
• I also launch my coaching and consulting services and see an increase in requests to speak.
• 2021: Mantra- “Getting it done in 2021.” The TED Talk. Choosing to leave academia to10 pursue Colorism Healing full time.
• 2022: “It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day, it’s a new life for me.”
• Possible Mantra: Breaking through in 2022
• I have lots of ideas, but my priority now is to stabilize what I’ve already got going on and make it a solid foundation to build on in the future.

Who, What, Why, How

All of the above and more that I didn’t even mention have contributed to who I am, what I’m doing, and why and how I’m doing it.

Who: My public name is Dr. Sarah L. Webb, Dr. Webb, or Dr. Sarah. Family and friends call me Sarah. I am a dark-skinned African American woman, cis-gender, heterosexual, tall, thin, able-bodied. I am trained as a writer and teacher. Public intellectual, activist-scholar. I have been single and I don’t have kids.

As a dark-skinned, African American woman, I have to overcome the layers of bias against those identities, specifically related to colorism. These layers include things like:

• assuming I haven’t done my research, which I believe is tied to perceptions of laziness and overall credibility
• assuming that I’m less analytical/scholarly and more anecdotal/personal, tied to assumptions about the relative intelligence of 1) women, 2) Black people, 3) dark-skinned people.
• assuming my knowledge and reach is limited to the African American context
• assuming I’m less objective than other people
• assuming I don’t love myself or that I struggle with self-esteem, when they don’t make those assumptions about lighter-skinned people who talk about colorism.
• assuming that my goal is to convince black men to like me, especially relevant because I am single.

And so my use of “Dr.” and my frequent use of words like “international” and “global” are purposeful.

What: My mission statement is: 1) Raise critical awareness about colorism as a global issue by providing a hub of information and resources, and 2) Foster healing through creative and critical work. Healing includes 3 key components: Individual healing includes personal mental health and reprogramming implicit bias. Collective healing involves repairing relationships between individuals and among groups of people. Systemic healing entails structural changes throughout all sectors of society.

Why: I want my people to feel seen, validated, and affirmed. I want my people to experience less pain and more love and joy. I want to reduce the presence and the impact of colorism in the world. I want to build more equity and justice for dark-skinned people.

How: I take a global, cross-cultural, intersectional approach to colorism. This is largely influenced by my very early days of blogging when the people who reached out to me were not other African Americans. My earliest conversations, when I was first understanding colorism and first starting to research and study it, were with people of other ethnicities.

I believe there’s a difference between centering dark-skinned Black women and focusing exclusively on dark-skinned Black women. But even in my centering, I prioritize African American women specifically because our experiences are related but still unique among the diaspora.

The last thing I’ll say about my how is that I put myself out there (on the line). My name and my face have been attached to my work from the very beginning. This is important to me because the visual rhetoric of myself speaks just as powerfully as my writing and speech. I want dark-skinned girls and really the whole world to see women who look like me. I want them to see me being unafraid to be seen.